During our school days, we listened intently as our teacher recounted miraculous tales of the Virgin Mary’s appearances in the former Yugoslavia. According to her, the world was nearing its end, and we would face judgment. To be saved, we needed to say countless Rosaries—every single day. This wasn’t just a casual reminder of divine accountability; it was a full-blown fire-and-brimstone warning: “Jesus is coming, possibly tomorrow, and it will be horrifying.” We heard chilling stories of three days of darkness, where we’d need to barricade ourselves in our homes, lest we be struck dead by terror upon witnessing the chaos outside. The only source of illumination would be holy candles, and the gates of hell would be unleashed.
This experience starkly contrasted with the reassurances from our Catholic school teachers in middle school, who insisted that “The Exorcist” was based on true events, that demons genuinely possessed people, and that every diocese had a designated exorcist. They even shared anecdotes of dining with a former exorcist who couldn’t divulge too many details but left us all trembling with fear.
Dissecting the Messaging
On one hand, we were told about the boundless love of Jesus. He treasures us immensely; we are His beloved children. Yet, simultaneously, there was the looming threat that He could cast us into a fiery abyss at any moment. Our teachers had a telling phrase: “You choose hell.” Hell was described as eternal separation from God, and every time we sinned, we were allegedly choosing to distance ourselves from Him. So, at the tender age of twelve, while I was grappling with my emerging feelings towards boys, I was also terrified of the prospect of being cast into a lake of flames. Did I mention my struggles with anxiety?
The Impact of Hell on My Childhood
I spent countless sleepless nights in fear. Did we have enough holy candles? No child should lie awake worrying about their supply of holy candles. Research has indicated that religious or spiritual beliefs can lead to feelings of guilt and anxiety, especially when individuals feel they cannot meet the lofty expectations set by their communities. And what middle schooler can truly align with the Catholic Church’s strict sexual teachings? While I’m not claiming that the Church’s teachings on hell solely caused my anxiety disorder, they certainly exacerbated it.
Instilling the concept of hell in young minds conveys that love has conditions. The God who created and loves them deeply will also condemn them if they fail to adhere to His will. This is a confusing and damaging message for a child. What does it imply? That you are only worthy of love as long as you comply with certain conditions. If you don’t follow the rules, love is withdrawn, and you face eternal damnation. If this cosmic principle holds, why would we expect children to perceive interpersonal relationships differently? My own parents exhibited this same pattern of conditional love rooted in Catholic guilt: love diminished when I didn’t meet their expectations.
Lingering Issues into Adulthood
My fear of hell led me down a familiar path for many Catholic teens: engaging in sexual activity, followed by overwhelming anxiety and guilt. In college, even with safe practices, I was convinced I would face divine punishment. The thought of getting pregnant haunted me, as it would mean I’d have to consider the unthinkable: an abortion. I felt trapped, believing that any choice I made would lead to hellfire. Despite distancing myself from church attendance, I remained too fearful to embrace a life of disbelief and risk the eternal consequences of my choices.
When my husband and I decided to marry in the Catholic Church, my fears of disappointing my grandfather and the looming threat of damnation played a significant role. We became very involved in the Church, but I never found genuine joy in it—only a relentless cycle of trying to meet expectations to avoid falling into hell. I learned to equate God’s approval with my ability to please others in the Church.
A Compassionate Approach to Parenting
I don’t harbor any animosity towards Christianity; in fact, I believe in the positive messages it can offer. However, instilling fear of hell in children is fundamentally at odds with the principles of gentle parenting. How can we advocate for attachment parenting while simultaneously threatening our children with demonic consequences for misbehavior? If we wish our children to understand they are worthy of love unconditionally, we must not teach them that hell awaits for those who misstep.
This fear-based thinking can lead to dangerous societal beliefs: that those who are struggling or less fortunate have simply made poor choices and deserve their fate. Such views cultivate a lack of empathy and compassion, which is not the kind of mindset I want to foster in my children.
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Summary
Teaching children about hell can instill a fear-based understanding of love and acceptance, which can have lasting psychological impacts. Instead of fostering unconditional love, the concept of hell can create anxiety and a conditional relationship with divinity. It’s crucial to approach parenting with compassion and understanding, rather than fear, to encourage empathy and connection in children.
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