On February 20, celebrity chef Emma Johnson honored her baby Ava on what would have been her due date. The model and author has been candid about her experience with pregnancy loss at 20 weeks, providing solace to many who have faced similar heartbreak. Unfortunately, her openness has also opened her up to harsh criticism and even gatekeeping.
Media outlets widely shared Johnson’s heartfelt post, which inevitably led to a flood of comments. While many were supportive, some were not. One particularly harsh comment stood out: “Poor girl, I don’t care for her at all. Enough about your miscarriages—I’ve had two too! You’re no different from the rest of us.”
This remark is troubling for numerous reasons, most notably the attempt to diminish Johnson’s grief and create an arbitrary standard of suffering that excludes her. This mindset is a classic example of gatekeeping.
According to Urban Dictionary, gatekeeping is “when someone decides who has access or rights to a community or identity.” When it comes to grief, this behavior is cruel. It implies that someone’s suffering is not valid enough to warrant empathy, turning grief into a competition—something it should never be.
Having experienced profound loss myself three years ago, I’ve learned some essential truths about grief and the harmful nature of gatekeeping.
Key Truths About Grief
First, grief is not a competition. There are no prizes for who has suffered the most.
Second, grief is not a limited resource. One person’s significant loss doesn’t diminish the pain of another. Just because someone says, “this is difficult,” doesn’t mean your struggles are any less valid.
Third, the phrase “at least” is inherently invalidating. Phrases like “at least they didn’t suffer” or “at least you can still get pregnant” serve as indirect forms of gatekeeping, dismissing the legitimacy of someone’s pain.
The main takeaway is that we have no right to gatekeep grief—neither Emma Johnson’s nor anyone else’s. There is room for everyone to grieve.
Gatekeeping grief is not only cruel to individuals; it impacts all of us. Sharing our stories is vital. When someone, be it a public figure like Johnson or anyone else, openly discusses their pain, they’re extending a lifeline to countless others who have experienced similar losses but may struggle to articulate their feelings.
The comment “You’re no different than the rest of us” misses the mark. Sharing one’s story isn’t about seeking attention; it’s about connection. Johnson’s words help others realize they are not alone in their experiences.
Grief can be an isolating experience. Discovering that someone else understands your pain can be the difference between feeling suffocated or finding a breath of relief.
Allowing someone to share their story doesn’t prevent you from sharing yours; rather, it creates a richer tapestry of voices and experiences. Gatekeeping, conversely, stifles this dialogue and isolates individuals.
When you have navigated loss, the world transforms. Grief often fosters a deeper capacity for empathy. Gatekeeping may stem from past invalidation, but it perpetuates a harmful cycle. The solution lies in empathy—gatekeeping doesn’t elevate your suffering; it reveals your lack of compassion.
Grief and suffering are deeply personal experiences. No two individuals process them in the same way. There is enough room for all forms of grief and enough empathy for everyone to take what they need.
Further Reading
For further insights on this topic, check out this blog post and learn more about boosting fertility with supplements, an excellent resource for those on the journey of home insemination and pregnancy options, including in vitro fertilization.
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