“Can I ask… what happened?” The concern in her voice was palpable as she posed a question I struggled to answer, especially amidst the bustle of a school playground while our children navigated the monkey bars.
Six months post-divorce, it dawned on me that I was the only one who could explain my situation to others. No one else would clarify my children’s behavior or why I had changed my last name on social media. No one would step in when someone innocently inquired about my ex-husband. Their concern was genuine, but it often stemmed from their own fears about relationships and the fragility of marriage.
After a heartfelt discussion with a close friend, who asked if my divorce was influenced by my friends’ similar experiences, I realized that many were worried not just for me, but for themselves as well. They wanted to ensure their own marriages were safe from the fate that befell mine.
So, four years later, I’m ready to share my story. Pour yourself a glass of wine (it’s 5 PM somewhere!) and let’s dive into what happened.
Growing Up in a Toxic Environment
I grew up in a world where the “heroin chic” look was idolized, and discussions about sex were shrouded in the toxicity of purity culture. I remember my first diet at 12, standing on my bed, holding a dial phone, proclaiming to a friend, “I weigh 88 pounds! That’s disgusting! We need to diet together.”
In youth group, the only conversation about sex involved a guest speaker promoting purity. When a brave peer suggested exploring sexual preferences before marriage, they were shamed. I even signed a purity pledge, constantly reminding myself that my only worth lay in my body—which society deemed flawed.
As I stopped eating, attention from boys increased. I felt I needed to conform to their expectations to gain validation. The phrase “boys will be boys” echoed around me as I learned to shrink myself to fit in, convinced that my true self was “too much.” When I expressed discomfort about older men in my life, adults dismissed my feelings, reinforcing the idea that my discomfort was invalid.
Struggles with Identity and Health
The narrative continued as I faced debilitating periods, only to be told that birth control was for girls who were sexually active. I was led to believe that wanting sex was abnormal, creating a complex relationship with my own desires.
Girls were conditioned to be cautious; I was told to hold my keys between my fingers for safety. We were taught that assaults were preventable, ignoring the reality that most often, they stemmed from a lack of advocacy for young women.
In my pursuit of education, I was told that a college degree was essential for success, yet the path I wanted led to overwhelming debt. When diagnosed with PCOS at 19, I was handed birth control pills as a solution to weight gain and began making choices out of fear.
Shame and Self-Discovery
Divorce, I learned, was something to be ashamed of. The notion of being a single or divorced woman became my greatest fear. The church, along with societal pressures, perpetuated a cycle that made me feel unworthy.
But through this journey, that girl eventually grew up. I became a mother and realized how I wanted to raise my children. As friends similarly recognized their self-worth, I understood that purity culture and societal standards had harmed many of us. Did my friends’ divorces influence mine? Maybe. But I now embrace the freedom and peace that come with self-discovery.
Further Reading
For more on navigating these complex topics, check out one of our other blog posts about home insemination or learn more about fertility treatments.
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Summary
Four years after my divorce, I reflect on the societal pressures and personal experiences that shaped my journey. From growing up amidst purity culture to navigating the complexities of self-worth and relationships, I share what transpired and how I ultimately found freedom and peace. My story highlights the importance of understanding oneself amidst external expectations.
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