I vividly recall the first night our second child came home. My partner and I were in bed, cradling her with smiles and affection when our 13-month-old strolled down the hallway, casting us a piercing glare. That look on his adorable face seemed to scream, “What’s she doing here, stealing my spot and stealing your attention?” In that moment, my heart shattered, and I felt an overwhelming urge to reassure my toddler that there would always be enough love for both him and his sister, not to mention enough space in our bed for cozy snuggles.
Reflecting on that moment, I question why I felt compelled to demonstrate something to a toddler. How could I possibly convey anything meaningful to a 13-month-old? I was determined to show him that I could treat them both equally and fairly; I didn’t want him to think I had a favorite. I desperately needed him to see the love and understanding I held in my heart mirrored in his innocent eyes.
That marked the beginning of a challenging parenting journey, and looking back, I wish I had approached it differently. With three children born within just 2.5 years, the early days felt like a military operation whenever we left the house. I mentally kept score: at snack time, I divided goldfish and juice equally, making sure no one got more than the others. If one child asked for extra, I stood firm—after all, it wouldn’t be fair.
During bedtime, I painstakingly tried to allocate equal time for reading and cuddling with each child. However, I soon realized that some books took longer to read than others, which threw my mental tally off balance. I would lie awake at night, stressing over how to distribute my attention fairly among my wonderful kids the following day.
This long and arduous journey taught me many lessons (mostly the hard way). My approach to parenting was not beneficial for either my children or myself. How I wish a fairy godmother had appeared that night when my toddler walked in. I wish I had parented differently, not just for their happiness but for my own peace of mind.
Children are unique, each requiring different approaches. Some crave more hugs at bedtime, while others may need more snacks or quiet time. Meanwhile, some children are perfectly content regardless of what their siblings have. Their needs and desires shift as quickly as they do, making it impossible to keep a running tally. This treadmill of trying to be equal and fair had me trapped; I was merely a pleaser.
Occasionally, I would visit my therapist, expressing my frustrations about my kids. One day, he told me, “You resent your child because they are asking you to be a type of parent you don’t want to be.” In that moment, it hit me—he was absolutely right. If I truly catered to what each child needed, my flawed approach of fairness would fall apart, and I would need to embrace significant changes.
Looking back, I realized my resentment wasn’t directed at my child but at myself. I was frustrated with my inability to make the tough parenting decisions that might cause some tears. This wasn’t the enjoyable side of parenting, but it was crucial for preparing my children for life outside the nest.
During my time teaching preschool, I always prioritized honoring each child’s individual needs and interests. I wish I had integrated this guiding principle into my parenting from the outset. My three kids, now aged 17, 18, and 19, each have their own schedules, tastes, friends, and interests. They are unique in every way, yet they all share kindness and goodness.
So, perhaps I didn’t mess things up too badly after all.
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Summary:
This article reflects on the author’s experience of trying to create a sense of equality among her children during their early years. Realizing that each child has unique needs that cannot be measured by fairness, she reflects on her journey and the lessons learned. Ultimately, she acknowledges the importance of embracing individual differences and the challenges that come with parenting.
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