It strikes a nerve every time. That parent at the playground who glances at my twin daughters, who, like their child, are simply enjoying their time outside. My partner and I have heard the phrase “Your kids are so well-behaved” from various white parents far too often. As a Black mother, there’s no other way to interpret this comment — it’s offensive.
Usually, my partner, who is of South Asian descent, is the one present during these encounters. I hear the stories later, and even then, it infuriates me. It feels as if my children are expected to misbehave, as if it’s a shock when they don’t. This is why the term “free-range children” seldom applies to BIPOC kids. Their skin color can invite comments like the ones my children receive — or even worse.
BIPOC children don’t have the luxury of simply existing in the world without fear for their safety. Parents of BIPOC kids can’t allow them to play outside unsupervised. Moreover, young Black and brown boys can’t gather in groups, especially wearing hoodies, without being labeled as troublemakers or worse.
I wouldn’t classify myself as a helicopter parent, always hovering over my kids, but I am acutely aware of our surroundings. I set boundaries for my children; I need to be able to see them when we’re out in public or at the playground. With my 14-year-old son, I must know his whereabouts at all times. It’s not a matter of mistrust in my children but a lack of trust in others to respect and protect them, allowing them to be kids without imposing harmful stereotypes about who they are and what they should do.
There was once a belief that it takes a village to raise children. I still hold onto that belief, but what happens when not all members of that village apply the same standards to every child?
As a mom of color, I navigate a tightrope between allowing my kids to enjoy their childhood like their white peers and safeguarding the well-being of our South Asian and Black family. Letting my children go to the corner store for a forgotten item or hang out with friends could potentially have devastating consequences, or worse, lead to tragedy.
BIPOC families face a unique set of challenges compared to their white counterparts, and this disparity is no secret. Diane L. Redleaf, author of “They Took the Kids Last Night: How the Child Protection System Puts Families at Risk,” emphasizes that while white children are given the freedom to explore and resolve conflicts on their own, children of color are often deprived of that same freedom.
When my child wears a hoodie, the implications are vastly different than when a white child does the same. My children riding their bikes in our neighborhood could lead to unjust accusations or even arrest. This fear hinders their ability to simply play and gain independence without their parents constantly in tow. I strive to suppress this anxiety, but it lingers in the back of my mind when allowing my kids to play in our predominantly white neighborhood.
Sharon Lee, a multicultural educator and mother of two, shares that she identifies as Chinese, while her husband is a White Latino American. Their kids are raised to embrace their whole identities, not feeling pressured to choose between their heritages. Sharon states, “To ensure all our kids feel safe, we need racial solidarity among communities. It’s crucial to recognize that this isn’t a zero-sum situation; we are stronger together.” These are essential strategies we can adopt to enhance the safety and independence of our children.
While some parents have no qualms about letting their kids play freely, apply for jobs, or run errands, BIPOC parents experience a different reality. It’s a fear we confront daily, teaching others that we, too, deserve to live without fear and with equal opportunity.
For additional insights on navigating these challenges, check out this related blog post here. You can also find valuable information on fertility at Make A Mom and further explore pregnancy topics at Progyny.
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In summary, the freedom that many white children experience is often not shared by BIPOC families. The societal expectations and fears that come with raising children of color create a complex environment where parents must balance safety with the desire for their children to enjoy their childhood fully.
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