When a woman feels inadequate, particularly in her role as a parent, she may attempt to compensate for that feeling by overdoing things. This manifests in various ways, and I have a personal example to share.
As my eldest daughter was preparing for her wedding, a whirlwind of emotions swept over me. Predominantly, I thought, “I must ensure her wedding is absolutely perfect.” This mindset stemmed from my feelings of failure as a mother, especially since my younger daughter had distanced herself from me years ago. I felt compelled to prove my worth as a mother by going above and beyond for the daughter who was still in my life.
In my mind, I was trying to reclaim my “good mother” status.
Ultimately, my daughter had a lovely wedding day. I poured my heart and soul into making it flawless. Yet, she ended up feeling stressed, disappointed, and exhausted. When she expressed this, it felt as if I had been punched in the gut. It was a crushing blow to my attempts to reassure myself that I was a good mother. It broke my heart to know she was unhappy when all I wanted was to bring her joy. A wedding day doesn’t come with a second chance. What had I done wrong?
It took me months to process the sorrow of having hurt her when my intention was to make her day joyful. I often wished I could take it all back. The shame was so intense that I struggled to even look at her wedding photos. My love for her was boundless, and I never intended to cause her pain.
The truth was that I had used her wedding as a means to soothe my own insecurities about motherhood. I prioritized my own needs over her special day, hoping to redeem myself and convince myself that I wasn’t a terrible mother. Instead, my actions mirrored those of a bad mother.
Thankfully, my daughter found it in her heart to forgive me, but this was only possible after I took the time to acknowledge my motivations, my behavior, and my selfishness.
If you had asked me during the preparations whether I was being selfish, I would have been offended. I was working tirelessly for my daughter, believing I was being selfless. In reality, I was blind to how my inner turmoil was driving my actions, hoping to use her wedding as a form of redemption.
Years have passed, and I am still learning to forgive myself for the impact my actions had on her special day. Any mother can relate to the feeling of having failed miserably, which was never my intention. To everyone else, the wedding appeared to be a spectacular success. However, what truly mattered was that my daughter felt cherished and celebrated.
Once I recognized that my grief stemmed from my own pain, I began to notice other instances where I had overcompensated in ways that negatively affected my children. My desire to see them happy often coincided with my need to feel validated as a mother, seeking the kind of praise that the Bible suggests—being called “blessed.”
How many mothers fall into this same trap? I would wager that many do, largely due to the unrealistic expectations society places on us as mothers. These expectations can be so absurd that we exhaust ourselves trying to fulfill them. When we fail, we can spiral into self-loathing, leading to even more overcompensation: “I may have failed this time, but I will ensure I get it right next time.”
When we attempt to provide more for our children than they actually need or want, we inadvertently place our own emotional requirements on them. This can negate our efforts to be good mothers. It’s a delicate situation that many of us navigate. Admitting our mistakes only reinforces our fears of being seen as inadequate.
It’s incredibly challenging for a mother to confront her own behavior and acknowledge her faults. When our actions don’t align with our intentions, it creates a cognitive dissonance that can feel insurmountable. “How could she think I am a bad mother after everything I’ve done for her?” This feeling is excruciating for any mother who genuinely desires to be good and needs to believe she is.
How we respond to these realizations can either strengthen or undermine our relationships with our children. If we allow ourselves to sink into self-pity or denial, we won’t be able to support ourselves or our kids. However, if we accept our mistakes, recognize the motivations behind them, and embrace our imperfections as human beings, we can begin to heal both ourselves and our relationships.
By confronting the truth without flinching, we can learn to recognize when we’re veering off course in the future. Understanding that our motivations may stem from a desire to be seen as a good mother allows us to embrace our imperfections. After addressing the emotions surrounding my failures, my daughter told me that my imperfect moments have taught her the most, showing her how to navigate life as a flawed but capable person.
One major hurdle for mothers who overcompensate is the struggle to allow themselves to be human and to forgive themselves for their imperfections. Accepting that it’s okay not to embody our ideal of a “perfect” mother allows us to connect with our kids on a level playing field of shared humanity. When we can admit our mistakes to our children and take responsibility for the hurt we’ve caused, we can truly grow as mothers.
If you see yourself in any of this, please be gentle with yourself. Self-awareness is the first step toward liberation. Embracing our imperfections opens the door to understanding our children’s needs, rather than imposing our own desires onto them. Remember, the aspiration to be a good mother is commendable. It’s the failure to recognize that we often already are that leads us into trouble.
Search Queries:
- How to cope with parenting guilt
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- How to support your child’s wedding planning
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Summary:
The author shares a poignant reflection on how her desire to prove her worth as a mother led to unintended consequences on her daughter’s wedding day. Overcompensating for perceived failures, she prioritized her emotional needs over her daughter’s happiness, resulting in disappointment. Through self-reflection and acknowledgment of her imperfections, she highlights the importance of understanding one’s motivations and the necessity of forgiveness—both for oneself and for one’s children.
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