A few weeks ago, I was chatting with a close friend, someone I’ve known for just a couple of years. When we first met, she was in a relationship with my partner’s best friend. We hit it off immediately, coordinating outings for the four of us to enjoy together.
At a party during my second date with my current partner, I noticed her quiet demeanor contrasted sharply with her boyfriend’s boisterous nature. He drank heavily while she remained sober, but they appeared content. I later learned they had been living together for several years. He was eager to marry and start a family, but after her divorce at 30, she was uncertain about committing again.
As we grew closer, a shift occurred one evening when I sought her advice regarding my partner. I texted her, “Can I ask you something woman to woman?” She was more than willing to help. Our late-night conversation left me feeling reassured, and soon after, she began confiding in me about her own relationship struggles—his drinking, financial problems, and the lack of intimacy.
“I love him,” she admitted, but I wondered if that love was enough to justify staying. It took her several months to come to terms with the fact that it wasn’t, and ultimately, they parted ways.
This kind of dialogue with other women isn’t new to me. My own experiences have echoed similar sentiments. When I divorced my ex-husband, we loved each other deeply, but that affection didn’t sustain our marriage. Another friend from high school has endured physical abuse from her boyfriend, who belittles her and manipulates her into letting him back into her life. “I love him,” she insists when I question her choices. (And just a side note: love is never sufficient to justify staying in an abusive relationship—you deserve to walk away.)
These dynamics aren’t limited to romantic entanglements. A few years back, I struggled with a friendship that seemed to drain me. A different friend asked why I hadn’t moved on, pointing out how my companion was taking a toll on my well-being. “I enjoy her company sometimes,” I replied, to which she responded, “But is that really enough? It sounds like she’s sucking your soul dry.”
In any relationship—whether with a partner, a friend, or even a family member—there are times when love alone may not be a valid reason to stay. Sometimes, love can coexist with negativity, making it necessary to walk away. It doesn’t always mean that the situation is abusive; it can simply be unhealthy.
My perspective is straightforward: if you find yourself feeling more miserable than happy and feel like the relationship is eroding your sense of self, it’s time to consider leaving. Loving someone doesn’t mean you have to sacrifice your own well-being.
When love starts to poison your life—impacting your work, relationships, and mental health—it’s time to assess what life could look like without that baggage. My ex and I cared for each other, but that love wasn’t enough to foster a healthy marriage. I valued my friend, but she often disrespected me. And my other friend loved her boyfriend, yet knew they could never have the future she envisioned due to his unresolved issues.
Some people maintain that “if you love each other enough, you can overcome anything.” I see it differently. Love cannot sustain a relationship that harms your mental health. The only love that can weather any storm is the love you have for yourself.
Too often, we forget to prioritize self-love, choosing to love others at the expense of our own happiness. It’s crucial to recognize that you can love someone and still decide to remove them from your life. The narrative that “love conquers all” needs to be reexamined. It’s perfectly acceptable to choose self-love over others.
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Summary
In relationships, love isn’t always enough to justify staying, especially when it negatively impacts your well-being. It’s essential to prioritize self-love and recognize when a relationship is detrimental, even if there is affection involved.
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