My partner takes on the laundry without anyone asking him to, and more often than not, he goes unthanked for it. Yet, somehow, every week, our clothing, our kids’ outfits, towels, and sheets all come out fresh and clean. With each load he tackles, my feelings of envy seem to intensify.
Loading the washing machine is the easy part for him. After that, he sorts the clothing into categories of hang-dry versus dryer items, hangs them up, folds the towels and clothes, and even puts fresh sheets on the beds.
A few times each week, I stroll into our bedroom to find a neat stack of my clothes, lovingly folded and organized by type. I know he would put them away, too, if he knew where everything belongs.
His contributions to our home don’t stop at laundry. He also handles the dishes, grocery shopping, trash removal, and maintenance tasks. He’s always picking up stray socks, crumbs, and toys, striving to keep some semblance of order amidst the chaos.
It’s not that he neglects our kids, either. He’s a devoted father, engaging in nightly horsey rides, weekend swimming lessons, and bedtime stories. I recognize how fortunate I am to have him — he truly is a gem. But does he realize how lucky he is?
Yearning for a Break
My partner has a flexible job that allows him to leave the house. In the mornings, he enjoys leisurely showers, manicures, and grooming sessions. He steps outside when it suits him, breathing in fresh air, chatting with someone other than me, and focusing on tasks unrelated to family. Sometimes, he even meets a friend for a socially-distanced coffee, returning home with a bounce in his step that I haven’t felt in months. It’s no wonder he has the energy to tackle the laundry.
To me, this lifestyle seems like a fantasy. I rarely leave the house, especially with an infant during a pandemic. My showers and personal care are infrequent and often rushed, usually with at least one child at my feet. There are days I don’t even manage to brush my teeth.
Most days, I would give anything to check out for a bit, knowing the kids are in good hands, and tackle some significant cleaning. The idea of popping in my earbuds and mindlessly completing simple tasks sounds like a mini getaway.
Throughout the week, my partner escapes from the noise and mess. I can’t help but feel resentful that he can take a break whenever he chooses. For mothers, such freedom is rare. Even during naptime, I have to keep an eye on the monitor while I hurriedly change into my sweatpants and throw my hair into a bun.
Clashing Priorities
Sometimes, the frustration isn’t just about him doing these chores; it’s about when he does them. I often feel irritated that he prioritizes tidying the kitchen instead of relaxing as soon as dinner is ready. While he sees the pile of dirty pots and pans, I see my calm toddler’s timer running out. I don’t understand why he feels it’s important to fold towels when we’re already late for bath time. He doesn’t grasp why being a few minutes behind schedule matters so much to me, but having everything neatly folded feels essential to him.
Understanding Different Perspectives
I’ve come to realize that men often approach problems differently. Have you ever shared a long-winded story about a friend or coworker, only to have your partner suggest a simple solution, like “Why don’t you just stop hanging out with her?” He sees a problem and thinks he’s fixed it, wondering why you’re not grateful. In reality, all you wanted was for him to acknowledge your feelings.
He sees the laundry, dishes, and trash as problems that need solutions. And in his mind, there’s no better time to tackle them than the present! Mr. Fix-It is on the case, often unaware of how his actions might disrupt our flow or how much I might appreciate a little time to manage things myself.
It’s my choice to be present with our children. I’m the one who keeps the peace, administers hugs and band-aids for scrapes, creates fond memories, and bakes cookies on Sunday mornings. Yet behind the scenes, he’s the one who keeps our household running smoothly. Yes, he gets to step away from the kids, but that’s a necessary part of our partnership. I know I couldn’t be the mother I aspire to be without his support as a husband and father. Still, it’s tough not to harbor some resentment.
The next time he insists on emptying the dishwasher while one child is crying and the other is wreaking havoc in the living room, I will try to remind myself that we are both doing our best for our family. Regardless of what happens during the week, I can always look forward to crawling into our freshly made, cozy sheets on Sunday nights, knowing I am cared for.
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