For nearly two years, I have deliberately distanced myself from my family due to my concerns about their comments—not directed at me, but at my children. Initially, I avoided them because of their views on our two-mom household. As my teenager transitioned into young adulthood, remarks shifted to “He needs a father figure in the house,” and eventually, criticism about my three-year-old’s weight gain. Thus, it seemed best for us to keep a low profile.
The pandemic provided a convenient excuse for this distancing, halting my ongoing efforts to establish boundaries with my family concerning discussions about weight—both my own and that of my kids—before feelings could get hurt. Growing up in the same environment, I felt compelled to shield my children from the same pressures I faced. Even though I know my family loves me, their comments have made me overly conscious of my weight and eating habits. Now, with my kids aged five and fourteen, I recognize that it’s my responsibility as a parent to protect their emotional well-being regarding their bodies and self-image.
Setting Boundaries
Setting boundaries with family can be challenging, but once established, they become easier to maintain. The words our families say to us, and to our children, have lasting impacts. My daughter, who has a twin with a different body type, has already noticed these differences at just five years old. She often asks heart-wrenching questions like, “My belly is big, isn’t it?” or “Am I too big for this? Will you still love me?” As her parents, we reassure her of her beauty and reinforce that her worth is not tied to her appearance but to her kindness towards others.
This issue extends beyond my daughter; my son, who is tall and thin and has a selective diet due to sensory sensitivities and medication that suppresses his appetite, faces entirely different comments. He often hears remarks such as, “You’re so skinny,” or “You need to gain weight.” I must admit, before I understood his needs better, I pressured him to eat more out of concern for his nutritional intake. However, I’ve since learned to respect his cues.
The Impact of Family Comments
All my children deserve to feel valued and cherished in every interaction with family, both close and extended. While my family may worry about our kids’ eating habits leading to future health issues, it’s important to remember that shaming them can have detrimental effects. Dr. Kahan, director of the National Center for Weight and Wellness, noted in a 2015 blog post that “Obesity has been called the last socially acceptable form of prejudice.” This is particularly painful when the critics are supposed to be our greatest supporters.
We cannot predict our children’s health in the future, but we do know that shaming them today can lead to long-term consequences, such as anxiety and eating disorders. Psychologist Marlene Schwartz has pointed out that some parents mistakenly believe teasing their children will motivate them to lose weight, but research shows that this approach is harmful rather than helpful.
Uplifting Our Children
As caregivers, our goal should be to uplift and empower our kids, not to harm them with our words. When family members make comments about our children’s weight or bodies, we must remind them to respect our boundaries. After all, our kids are our responsibility—not that of their aunts, uncles, or grandparents.
The American Journal of Pediatrics also encourages a non-judgmental approach to health discussions. In a statement released in December 2020, they emphasized that “Children and adolescents with overweight or obesity may face increased stigma,” and pediatricians should adopt a nonjudgmental stance.
Instead of shaming children, let’s focus on supporting them. My daughter’s doctor exemplified this when he said to me during a visit, “She is in the 99th percentile for her age. Encourage her to eat healthier while also fostering a love for her body.” His words made a lasting impression on both my daughter and me. The words of family members carry weight, and they can either uplift or discourage.
A Mother’s Duty
As a mother, it is my duty to protect my daughter, advocate for her when she lacks the words to speak up, and set firm boundaries around discussions of her weight with family. It’s a conversation I will not engage in, as it’s both unfair to her and inappropriate for them. While I recognize that they may believe they’re offering helpful advice when they comment on her body, what she truly needs to hear is that she is loved and valued for who she is, not how she looks. The harmful comments they make now only serve to undermine her self-worth, and I owe it to her to provide the protection I never received.
For further insights, consider checking out one of our other blog posts here, or explore resources on pregnancy and home insemination, and refer to WebMD for excellent information on this topic.
Summary
This article discusses the importance of protecting children from harmful family comments about their weight and body image. It highlights the challenges of setting boundaries and emphasizes the need for supportive, non-judgmental interactions. Parents are encouraged to foster self-love and self-esteem in their children, regardless of external pressures.
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