A few weeks back, I organized a small, intimate birthday celebration for my daughter, aimed at creating a joyful moment during what has been an unusual year for all of us. With her turning four, I dedicated myself to planning the perfect party. She requested a princess cake, so I donned my apron and crafted an impressively lopsided cake. She wanted a piñata, and after a near disaster with my finger while making one inspired by Pinterest, I managed to pull it off. There were princess crafts, a dazzlingly bright dress, and some rather questionable princess jewelry.
On the day of the celebration, my daughter seemed to have a wonderful time. She was thrilled with her dress, devoured cake, and ensured her friends left with the least appealing pieces of jewelry. However, throughout the festivities, she seemed to completely disregard my presence.
I didn’t have high expectations for gratitude, given her age, but when she ran away from me each time I tried to capture a moment or share a piece of cake, I felt a small pang of sadness. After the guests departed, she sprinted to her room to play with her new jewelry box—alone. In a moment of desperation, I turned to my partner, wondering aloud, “Do you think she enjoyed it?” He shrugged it off, saying, “She’s four, and there was cake. I’m pretty sure she liked it.”
It’s noteworthy that my daughter also ignored my partner all day, yet he remained unfazed. This could be attributed to his more relaxed demeanor, but he also seems to grasp, much like I later learned from child development expert Janet Lansbury, that a child’s capacity to express appreciation is quite limited at that age.
Moreover, after nearly a year of quarantine, an outdoor party—even one with just a couple of friends—was likely overwhelming for her. It became clear that her apparent indifference had nothing to do with my efforts but rather her own four-year-old experience.
Having spent a decade as a middle school English teacher, I was accustomed to seeking validation from my students and peers. Each year, I taught around 120 kids; some liked me, and others didn’t. I often found myself preoccupied with the opinions of those who disapproved. However, becoming a parent shifted my perspective.
After my daughter’s party, a friend messaged me to say how much fun she had at the celebration, even complimenting the piñata I had made. It was then that I had a significant realization: my daughter, at just four years old, is not the one who should determine my worth as a parent. My efforts—cleaning, baking, and planning—were demonstrations of love, and that alone should bring me peace.
While it’s tempting to allow my children’s unpredictable reactions to shape my self-assessment as a parent, that approach is flawed. Just as I wouldn’t let a thirteen-year-old critique my teaching methods, I shouldn’t let my daughter’s mild disinterest undermine my confidence in my parenting choices.
As my children grow, they’ll undoubtedly express their opinions—both positive and negative—about our parenting. While I recognize the importance of feedback, it’s equally vital to trust my instincts. As I prepare for my younger son’s second birthday, I feel liberated by the understanding that my focus should be on what I know is best for him. Whether or not he ends up wanting a different cake or has an allergy to an animal at the petting zoo, the love, effort, and thought I put into his birthday—and every day—are what truly matter.
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Summary
This article explores the author’s journey in realizing that the opinions of her young children should not dictate her feelings about her parenting abilities. It reflects on the significance of understanding child development and the importance of trusting one’s instincts while navigating parenting challenges.
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