Humans are often simpler than we believe. However, without self-awareness and a basic understanding of our behaviors and thoughts, we tend to complicate life unnecessarily. For instance, when your supervisor asks you to revise a portion of your project, you might feel defensive and resist, even when you recognize they are correct. This self-sabotaging mindset can lead to wasted time and energy.
Similarly, you may encounter this situation with your child. When you request them to complete a task, their immediate resistance and argument can be perplexing. What causes this behavior? The answer lies in a psychological phenomenon known as reactance.
Understanding Psychological Reactance
Psychological reactance is the instinctive response to resist directives from others. It’s that inner voice that stubbornly says, “Nope, not doing it,” even when the task at hand is desirable or necessary. This reaction is distinct from Oppositional Defiant Disorder, wherein children or teens actively challenge authority. Reactance arises from the feeling that our freedom and choices are being restricted. This instinct can serve as a protective mechanism for our autonomy, often triggering a rush of adrenaline that compels us to resist or flee.
When someone issues a command, our brains react as if our personal safety is threatened. We may feel like cornered prey, prompting us to fight back and regain control. Reactance operates like an overly cautious friend, constantly on the lookout for perceived dangers. Our behavior can shift to defiance, rudeness, or even aggression as we attempt to reclaim the control we feel has been lost.
The Benefits and Drawbacks of Reactance
This response is beneficial in genuinely threatening situations. If someone were to demand you enter a dark room, consume an unknown substance, or share sensitive information, that instinct to resist is invaluable. However, in most everyday scenarios, the threat is often non-existent. It’s essential to acknowledge our primitive instincts and reframe our thoughts and actions accordingly.
Consider how this applies to our self-imposed commitments. We might plan a walk with a friend, dedicate time to organize a chaotic room, or register for gym sessions. Although we genuinely want to engage in these activities, we often find ourselves resisting the very plans we created. Author Nir Eyal suggests that in these moments, it feels like our past selves are dictating actions to our present selves, leading to frustration. This paradox explains why we sometimes appear hypocritical; we commit to tasks but hesitate when it’s time to follow through.
Reframing Our Thoughts
In his book Indistractable, Eyal emphasizes the importance of reframing our thoughts. Instead of viewing tasks as obligations, we should recognize them as opportunities. This shift in perspective can restore our sense of control, which is what we fundamentally desire.
The pandemic has amplified these feelings of uncertainty and loss of control. This is evident in the resistance many displayed toward mask-wearing. Initially, the suggestion to wear masks led to refusals, and when mandates were enforced, the pushback intensified. Wearing masks became a political issue, perceived as a threat to personal freedom.
Conversely, some reframed the narrative around masks as a means of protecting ourselves and others. Rather than viewing it as an imposition, they found it beneficial to consider mask-wearing as a gift that allows us to navigate this challenging time safely. While masks may be uncomfortable and serve as a reminder of the ongoing pandemic, seeing it as a way to care for others can ease the burden of compliance.
Reactance in Children
Children also demonstrate reactance. When we ask them to brush their teeth, prepare for school, or wear a jacket in cold weather, compliance can be rare. I’ve learned to pick my battles, but I’ve also discovered that offering choices can expedite necessary tasks. While I still choose the options, letting my kids decide when to tidy their toys or which chore to tackle fosters a sense of autonomy.
We all resist being told what to do, even when it’s beneficial for us, and our children are no exception. Recognizing this reactance in ourselves is crucial. By releasing our defenses, we can be more receptive to guidance or advice that isn’t genuinely threatening. Failing to address this urge to resist can lead to challenges in accepting feedback, ultimately resulting in natural consequences.
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Summary
Understanding psychological reactance can significantly improve self-awareness and enhance parenting strategies. Recognizing this instinctive resistance to external commands allows us to navigate our behaviors and those of our children more effectively. By reframing our perceptions, we can foster a sense of control and autonomy, essential for both personal growth and positive parenting.
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