I Struggled with My Partner After Our Pregnancy Losses

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The reality is, I experienced four pregnancy losses, and after each one, my feelings towards my partner soured.

My first loss was an ectopic pregnancy, which meant the embryo implanted in my left fallopian tube. This resulted in an emergency surgery to terminate the pregnancy and save my life. The day after the surgery, while I was recovering in bed, my partner, Mark, went to a hockey game with his brother. When I vented my frustration to a friend, she recounted a similar experience, saying, “When I had my miscarriage, my husband went to Vegas.” It seems that some partners cope with pregnancy loss through avoidance, which I found incredibly frustrating.

Throughout my four losses—two ectopic pregnancies, a first-trimester miscarriage, and a second-trimester miscarriage—Mark distracted himself with various projects. He took up mountain biking, mapping out routes through the local hills, and left his plans scattered around the house. He began running longer distances and volunteered for local causes that hadn’t previously interested him. He even developed a cleaning obsession, once scrubbing the backyard cement. At one point, he enrolled in a disaster preparedness course, researching topics like “Can you drink pool water in an emergency?” I often wondered if he was trying to prepare for the worst because our losses had made him feel vulnerable.

One thing he wasn’t doing was talking to me. I desperately wanted to discuss our losses, but this clashed with his desire to “move on.” He preferred to act as if nothing had happened, while I was left feeling like a wreck. I resented his calm demeanor; it seemed like he wasn’t grieving at all—he was far too busy for that.

It took time, along with couples therapy, to realize that Mark was grieving too—just in a way that differed from mine. While co-authoring “All the Love: Healing Your Heart and Finding Meaning After Pregnancy Loss,” I learned from experts that it’s common for couples to struggle after experiencing loss due to differing grieving styles. Grief expert David Kessler stated, “I do not believe child loss causes divorce; I believe judgment of each other’s grief causes divorce.”

Divorce is a genuine risk for couples following a loss. Research has shown that couples who experience miscarriage are 22 percent more likely to split than those who haven’t, a statistic that rises for stillbirths. The increased risk can persist for up to a decade after the loss.

If you’re feeling resentment towards your partner after a pregnancy loss but wish to preserve your relationship, consider the following points:

1. He’s grieving too. While he didn’t physically carry the baby, he was just as excited about parenthood. I remember how Mark’s face lit up when I shared my pregnancy news. I was too consumed by my grief to consider his feelings during our losses, but fathers experience pain as well.
2. He feels powerless. Mark is a natural fixer, and there’s no easy solution for the grief that accompanies pregnancy loss. This can lead to retreating behavior: “If I can’t fix it, I don’t want to deal with it.” His avoidance is a sign of his own pain.
3. He’s likely scared. At one point, Mark expressed, “You’re my rock. I don’t know what to do when you’re crumbling.” He was terrified of losing me and worried that I would never recover from our losses. If we had acknowledged each other’s fears, it could have paved the way for mutual comfort and understanding.
4. He’s trying to stay strong. Men are often socialized to suppress emotions to appear strong. This societal pressure can hinder emotional expression, making it difficult for partners to open up.
5. Seek support elsewhere. Society often places undue pressure on spouses to fulfill all emotional needs. Instead of focusing on Mark’s shortcomings, I learned to lean on friends and family. This didn’t signify giving up on our marriage but rather eased the burden on it. Once I found support, my anger towards Mark lessened, allowing for healing.
6. Keep the bigger picture in mind. Grief is a phase, not a permanent state. Years later, we now have a delightful daughter, and I can confidently say our experiences have strengthened our bond.

If you’re interested in more about home insemination and pregnancy topics, check out this blog post which offers further insights. For those considering at-home insemination, Make a Mom is an excellent resource. Additionally, for more information on fertility treatments, visit UCSF’s IVF resource.

In summary, navigating the aftermath of pregnancy loss can be challenging for couples, especially when grieving styles differ. Understanding each other’s feelings, seeking external support, and keeping the long-term perspective can help maintain a healthy relationship.