In 1992, Dr. Gary Thompson introduced the idea of five love languages—words of affirmation, quality time, acts of service, gifts, and physical touch—as a way to express heartfelt commitment. Since then, he has published numerous books on the subject, with the original selling over 12 million copies and being translated into 50 languages. His work has significantly influenced how many communicate love and appreciation in relationships.
I even have a copy of Dr. Thompson’s “The Five Love Languages for Children” on my shelf, nestled between parenting books. Just last week, I discussed love languages with my partner, considering how to express my affection in a way that resonates most with them. We both strive to understand and cater to each other’s emotional needs.
Even those unfamiliar with Thompson’s writings often find themselves using the term “love languages” in casual conversations. It provides a useful framework for discussing how we express love. At its core, Thompson’s concept promotes empathy—understanding each other’s perspectives and responding accordingly.
However, recent revelations about his views on homosexuality cast a shadow over his teachings. In responses posted on his website, Thompson expressed disappointment over parents learning that their children identify as gay. He framed this reaction as a natural emotional response, suggesting that love can coexist with disapproval of a person’s sexual orientation. This perspective is not only troubling but reflective of a deeper, insidious form of homophobia.
Thompson’s advice implies that one can love someone while also denying a fundamental aspect of their identity. The notion that one can express love alongside disappointment is fundamentally flawed. Love should be unconditional, not contingent upon approval or acceptance of one’s identity.
For those of us in the LGBTQ+ community, hearing “I love you, but I don’t approve of your lifestyle” feels deeply hurtful. Our identities are not mere behaviors to be modified or adjusted; they are integral to who we are. Engaging with individuals who hold these beliefs often leads to a frustrating dialogue where the core issues are misunderstood or dismissed.
Despite the utility of love languages, it is essential to seek out teachings that affirm all identities without reservation. For instance, Drs. John and Julie Gottman offer valuable insights on emotional connection and love that encourage understanding without conditionality. They emphasize that love languages can vary based on context, acknowledging that every relationship is unique.
While I appreciate some of Thompson’s concepts, I cannot support an author who espouses outdated beliefs that harm marginalized communities. Love is a celebration, not a source of shame or disappointment.
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- What are the five love languages?
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In summary, while Gary Thompson’s love languages may have initially provided a useful framework for discussing emotional needs, his views on homosexuality reveal a troubling hypocrisy that undermines the very essence of unconditional love. For authentic guidance in relationships, seeking out resources that embrace all identities without caveats is essential.
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