Dear Mom and Dad,
It feels strange to address you this way, as I’ve never truly experienced parenthood. Physically, you were present, but emotionally, you were absent.
For years, I struggled with anger. You were right; I do have issues with anger. Being told I couldn’t express my feelings, being shamed for my pain, and being gaslit created a tangled web of confusion. You taught me that expressing anger made me a bad person while you were free to display volatility and verbal abuse. This dichotomy left me questioning my sanity and my worthiness of life.
I have often felt a deep-seated anger towards myself. Why wasn’t I lovable enough? Pretty enough? Interesting enough? I came to believe it was my fault, learning from you that you were never responsible for your actions. I became an expert at holding myself accountable for the things you did to me, despite being just a child.
I know I wasn’t perfect, and I understand that I may have caused you stress, but ultimately, your reactions were not my responsibility. You were the adults; it was never my fault.
I have waited for sincere apologies from you for so long. I might consider reconnecting if I believed you had truly changed, but your apologies are empty. They seem rehearsed, given only to return to a “normal” that is anything but. I refuse to revisit a past filled with self-loathing and fear.
Your apologies hurt more than a refusal to apologize. It’s clear you believe parents shouldn’t have to apologize to their children. When your apologies come with demands for me to simply accept them and not be upset, it reinforces the idea that change is not possible. You think parents are always right, and children must respect them unconditionally.
I respected you, but I’ve learned that respect is earned. Disrespect is earned, too. While I could never be cruel, I can’t find it in me to respect those who repeatedly harm their children, taking advantage of their forgiveness instead of appreciating the chance to do better.
Mom, during our last encounter, you made a passive-aggressive remark wishing that nothing would go wrong with my children. I understood your intent. You seem to hope that my own parenting struggles will lead me to absolve you of your actions. Dad, your last letter recounted your parenting challenges, and it felt like you were hoping I would experience the same difficulties to justify your behavior.
These hurtful words invalidated my feelings and crushed any hope I had for your change.
And for that, I thank you.
Thank you for teaching me the importance of adults apologizing to children. Thank you for showing me that respect isn’t guaranteed just because of a title. Thank you for demonstrating that parents are responsible for their own actions, regardless of their hardships. Thank you for reminding me that genuine apologies must be backed by actions that foster trust and safety.
Thank you for illustrating how not to parent. If I ever find myself in a position of hurting my own children, I will not hesitate to admit my wrongs. I won’t be too proud to recognize their maturity or opinions. Most importantly, my children will always feel safe communicating their feelings to me, knowing I will listen and validate them.
Thank you for teaching me how it’s NOT done.
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Summary:
The author reflects on their painful relationship with their parents, expressing gratitude for the lessons learned through hardship. They emphasize the importance of sincere apologies and accountability in parenting, highlighting the impact of emotional neglect and gaslighting. The piece serves as both a cathartic release and a commitment to a better parenting approach in the future.
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