Relief is a profound emotion that many people experience, often associated with the release of anxiety or distress. It feels refreshing, much like the first breath of fresh air or the sweet scent of blooming flowers. However, this emotion is rarely linked to grief, especially in the aftermath of losing a loved one. Yet, when my mother passed away, I felt not only relief but also a sense of comfort and happiness.
My mother’s death in June marked the end of a long and tumultuous relationship. She was an incredibly complicated individual—mentally unwell and battling addiction in her later years. Her harsh demeanor and abusive nature made her a challenging presence in my life. For 36 years, I endured her emotional manipulation and verbal abuse, and her passing brought me a sense of closure and solace.
I grappled with feelings of shame and anger regarding my initial response to her death. How could I feel relieved at the loss of my mother? To understand my reaction, it’s essential to recognize the person she was and the nature of our relationship. My mother struggled with untreated depression for years, and her illness often overshadowed my childhood. She frequently belittled me, labeling me as stupid, worthless, and a disappointment.
As she turned to alcohol in her fifties, consuming an alarming amount daily, our relationship grew increasingly strained. I didn’t hate her, but I resented the person she had become. Loving someone with an addiction is incredibly difficult, and I often felt the weight of needing to save her. So, when I received a call indicating she was “missing” on June 24th, I found an unexpected calmness. The thought of her potential death brought a sense of relief, as I realized we would finally be free from the ongoing pain.
I remember trying to reach her that afternoon, but my calls and texts went unanswered. Eventually, my husband and I went to her apartment. Upon entering, I took a deep breath—not from fear, but because I sensed I could finally breathe again. If I found her, it would mean she was at peace, and I could feel safe.
I didn’t wish for her death, and despite my relief, I often think about the relationship we could have had. I mourn not only her absence but also the memories that will never come to be. My heart is heavy with guilt and shame for feeling relief, a sentiment that many grieving individuals might share yet often feel is taboo to express.
As noted in an article from What’s Your Grief, “relief feels like something they should be ashamed of.” However, emotions are complex, and one does not negate the existence of another. There’s no right or wrong way to grieve. It’s vital to recognize that if you find yourself feeling relief after a complicated loss, you are not alone—your feelings are valid, no matter where you are in the grieving process.
For those navigating the loss of a complicated loved one, remember: you are not bad, nor are you crazy. Your emotions are real and deserve acknowledgment. If you want to delve deeper into related topics, check out this blog post or explore these fertility supplements for additional support. Additionally, WebMD offers excellent resources on pregnancy and home insemination.
Search Queries:
- home insemination kit
- self insemination
- home insemination syringe
- grief relief
- emotional manipulation in relationships
Summary:
In this reflective piece, Jenna shares her complex feelings following the death of her mother, a woman who struggled with mental illness and addiction. While society often associates grief solely with sadness, Jenna experienced a mix of emotions, including relief, leading to feelings of guilt and shame. This narrative underscores the importance of recognizing that relief can coexist with sorrow, and that all emotions are valid during the grieving process.
Leave a Reply