Every day, I tell myself that today is a fresh start. That this is the day I will finally tackle my seemingly endless list of unwritten articles for various publications. That I can avoid feeling an intense reaction to headlines or to companies profiting from Asian culture while remaining silent about ongoing anti-Asian violence, especially after the tragic events in Atlanta.
I wish today would be the day I wouldn’t need to suppress panic, sorrow, or anger, or retreat from social media entirely — even from group chats — due to yet another distressing story of anti-Asian racism or misogyny shared by a well-meaning friend trying to keep us informed.
I would like to kindly request to stop being informed; I’m not okay.
I appreciate my friends reaching out
Many of my friends, particularly those who identify as Black women and Asian women, have checked in on me since the Atlanta shootings. I am thankful for their concern. Honestly, they have been checking on me since the very first signs of anti-Asian racism emerged when COVID-19 hit the news.
When they ask how they can support me, I often find myself at a loss for words. I have no idea what I should say. Financial help isn’t necessary; I don’t have products to promote. I have a good support network and several friends around me.
On the surface, I appear to be fine. As one friend put it, “I am not in any imminent danger.”
Yet sometimes, it feels like I am in imminent danger. It feels like this country wants to place me, my mother, and my children at risk. Not just Asians, but all marginalized communities, including people of color, women of color, and LGBTQIA+ individuals, are facing imminent threats. Sometimes, we genuinely are in harm’s way, but often we only realize it when it’s too late.
The desire to scream is overwhelming
I struggle to articulate my feelings to my friends because there’s nothing they can do to remedy the situation. It’s not a problem that can be fixed quickly. While I value their check-ins and kind words, they feel like mere band-aids on a deep wound.
How can I express, in all seriousness, that we need to dismantle everything? That true safety for those of us on the margins requires dismantling white supremacy and patriarchy in this country? Who can accomplish that in a day? Or even a year? If it were feasible, wouldn’t it have already happened?
How can I even mention this without providing resources? I have friends asking how they can learn more about anti-Asian hate, Asian American history, and allyship between Asian and Black communities — all noble pursuits, right? But I feel compelled to write articles and share resources because I have platforms that others may not, and I am simply exhausted.
I’m so utterly drained.
I fear that the weight of white patriarchy aims to crush me more than I have the strength to resist. I worry that their hatred is stronger than my love because they’ll go to any lengths to oppress me — yet I am unwilling to become a monster. (Or so I tell myself. I hesitate to examine whether that is entirely true.)
Am I supposed to convince you of my humanity?
You see, it’s challenging to articulate how you can help because the issues are so systemic, and I lack the energy to explain them all. I am done proving my humanity.
I, along with my fellow Asian women and those who present as female, including my precious nine-year-old daughter — my fierce girl — are often viewed as disposable. We aren’t safe, wanted, or seen as human. We have to live in fear when we should feel secure. We face blame, fetishization, and disbelief when we assert our right to exist.
I am not okay.
I feel like a shattered windshield, just waiting for that one push to completely cave in.
I am angry. I am sad. I am scared. I am human.
I make no apologies for these feelings.
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Summary
The article reflects on the emotional struggles faced by Asian individuals in the context of ongoing racism and violence. It highlights the challenges of seeking support and articulating needs while dealing with systemic issues of oppression. The piece emphasizes the feelings of fear, anger, and invisibility that many within marginalized communities experience.
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