I Need to Shield My Daughter from My Family's Remarks About Her Weight

For nearly two years, I’ve been steering clear of my family, not due to my own discomfort but out of concern for my children. Initially, it was their opinions on our two-mom family that troubled me. As my son transitioned into his teenage years, the comments shifted to “He needs a man in the house,” and later focused on my three-year-old’s weight gain. To protect our family, I decided it was best to limit our interactions.

The pandemic conveniently provided a buffer, pausing my efforts to establish boundaries with my family about discussions surrounding my children’s (and my own) weight. I grew up in an environment where my family made me overly conscious of my own weight and eating habits, and I now find myself wanting to protect my kids—ages five and 14—from similar scrutiny. As their parent, it’s my responsibility to safeguard their mental and emotional well-being regarding their bodies, and to instill self-love.

Setting Boundaries

Setting boundaries with family is an ongoing challenge for me, but once they’re established, maintaining them becomes easier. It’s crucial to recognize the impact of family comments on us as parents and on our children. My daughter, who has a twin sister with a different body type, has already noticed her own differences at just five years old. She asks heart-wrenching questions like, “Is my belly big?” or “Will you still love me if I can’t fit into that?” We reassure her that her worth isn’t defined by her appearance but by her kindness and compassion toward others.

My son experiences a different kind of scrutiny; he’s tall and thin, with a selective palate due to sensory issues and medications that affect his appetite. He often hears remarks like “You need to eat more,” or “Look at those skinny legs.” I admit that I initially pressured him to eat more, fearing he would miss out on essential nutrients. However, I’ve since learned to respect his needs and let him follow his own path.

Protecting Our Children

All my children deserve to feel loved and valued with every interaction they have with family, both immediate and extended. My family worries about the kids’ eating habits and possible future health issues. As noted by Dr. Kahan in a 2015 blog post quoted in The New York Times, “Obesity has been called the last socially acceptable form of prejudice.” It’s especially painful when those perpetuating such stigma are supposed to be our biggest supporters.

We cannot predict our children’s future health, but we do know that body shaming can lead to anxiety and eating disorders. According to Marlene Schwartz, a psychologist and director at the Rudd Center for Food Policy and Obesity, “Parents often mistakenly think that teasing their child will motivate them to lose weight, but there’s little evidence that it works and plenty that it causes harm.”

The last thing we want is to hurt our kids. We have the power to uplift them with our words or to choose harmful ones. When family members bring up our children’s weight, we can remind them to steer clear of such discussions and allow parents to handle it. Ultimately, our children are our responsibility, not that of their relatives.

Non-Judgmental Approaches

The American Journal of Pediatrics recommends that healthcare providers adopt a non-judgmental stance regarding weight discussions, advice that families should also embrace. In December 2020, they stated, “[C]hildren and adolescents with overweight or obesity may face increased stigma. Pediatricians must maintain a non-judgmental approach.”

Instead of shaming, let’s focus on support. My daughter’s pediatrician exemplified this by advising me to encourage her to eat healthier while also reminding her to love her body. His uplifting words were impactful for both her and me. Just as with my family, words hold significant weight.

As her mother, it’s my duty to protect her and advocate for her when she lacks the words to do so herself. I will not engage in conversations about her weight with family members; it’s unfair to her and inappropriate for them. While I know they mean well, their comments can do more harm than good. Showering my daughter with love, encouragement, and affirmations of her beauty is what she truly needs. I owe it to her to provide the support I never received.

Summary

Establishing boundaries with family regarding comments about my children’s weight is essential for their emotional well-being. My daughter and son face different pressures concerning their bodies, and it’s my responsibility to protect them from harmful remarks. Instead of shaming, we should foster an environment of love and support, ensuring our children feel valued for who they are beyond their appearances.