A few weeks ago, I organized a cozy, pandemic-friendly fourth birthday celebration for my daughter. My goal was to bring some joy to what has been a very unusual year for her and all of us. I dedicated a lot of time to planning the party. She requested a princess cake, so I donned my apron and crafted a rather impressive (though slightly crooked) princess cake. She wanted a piñata, so I went all out searching for DIY ideas, nearly injuring myself in the process. I even gathered princess-themed crafts, an eye-popping fluorescent dress, and a pile of gaudy princess jewelry.
On the day of the party, my daughter seemed to have a blast. She squealed with joy over her dress, devoured cake, and made sure her guests left with all the least attractive pieces of faux jewelry. Most importantly, she completely ignored me throughout.
Before the party, I didn’t really expect explicit expressions of gratitude from her, considering she’s only four and still learning to say please and thank you. But when she spent the entire time avoiding me, even running away whenever I tried to take a photo or share some cake, it stung a little.
Once the guests departed, she dashed to her room to play with her new jewelry box—by herself. In a moment of desperation, I turned to my husband and asked, “Do you think she liked it?” He replied, “She’s four, and there was cake. I’m pretty sure she liked it.”
It’s worth noting that my daughter had also ignored him all day, yet it didn’t seem to bother him at all. He has a more intuitive grasp of child development, which I later learned from Ava Richards, a child development expert, about the limited capacity of a four-year-old to express or even comprehend appreciation. Quite simply, they don’t have much of it.
Moreover, my daughter has been in quarantine for almost a year. A party in the backyard, even with just two friends and their siblings, must have been overwhelming for her. It makes sense that she was too focused on the fun, her friends, and the sugar rush to care about me or recognize that the joy she was experiencing didn’t just appear out of nowhere.
In short, her indifference had nothing to do with me or the quality of the party—it was all about her and her age. Although I currently juggle being a mediocre cake and piñata-making stay-at-home mom, I spent ten years prior as a middle school English teacher. I was often a people pleaser, constantly seeking validation in all the wrong places.
Every year, I taught around 120 adolescents. While many liked me, some did not, and I found myself obsessing over the negative opinions. If a student disliked me, I fixated on it; if a parent was unhappy, I panicked; and if a colleague or an administrator criticized me, it felt devastating.
After seven years of teaching, I became a mother. Suddenly, I didn’t have the energy to care as much. While I still occasionally got worked up over minor slights, I felt a slight shift in my sensitivity.
A few hours after the party, a friend texted me about how much fun she had with the lopsided cake in our backyard and even inquired about how I made the piñata. Admittedly, her compliment filled me with pride. That moment was a revelation.
My daughter is four. She is not my supervisor, nor does she write my performance reviews (she can’t even write a legible letter G!). So why was I allowing her perceived assessment of my parenting and party planning to affect my self-worth?
Ultimately, I took the time to organize a celebration for my daughter. I cleaned the house, baked a cake, and even persuaded my husband to finish the piñata after I injured myself. I demonstrated my love and care for her, and that alone should have been enough for me to feel satisfied.
While it’s tempting to let the unpredictable and sometimes irrational reactions of my children influence how I view myself as a parent, that approach is flawed. Just as I wouldn’t let a moody thirteen-year-old critique my teaching methods (I excel at teaching parallel structure, by the way), I shouldn’t allow my daughter’s mild dissatisfaction to shake my confidence in my parenting choices.
As my children grow, they will undoubtedly continue to express a spectrum of opinions, as well as indifferent reactions, about how my husband and I choose to raise them. I know they will offer plenty of feedback—both positive and negative. While most adults are trained to appreciate constructive criticism, it’s crucial to maintain trust in our own judgment.
As I plan my younger son’s second birthday celebration, I feel empowered by the realization that I can prioritize my own insights over others’ perceptions. Even if my son ends up allergic to an animal at the petting zoo or decides at the last minute that he wanted a pony cake instead of a construction one, what truly matters is my own assessment of the thought, effort, and love I put into caring for him on his birthday and every day.
For more insightful content, check out this other blog post on Home Insemination Kit. If you’re looking for expert advice on pregnancy and home insemination, Kindbody is an excellent resource. And for more information on home insemination kits, visit Cryobaby.
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In summary, it’s essential to remember that our children’s responses to our parenting don’t define us. We must focus on our intentions and efforts, knowing that our love and care are what truly matter.
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