Humans often appear more complex than they truly are. Yet, without self-awareness and a basic understanding of our motivations, we tend to complicate life unnecessarily. Consider a situation where your supervisor asks you to revise part of your project, and you immediately feel defensive and reluctant to comply—even when you know they have a point. This self-sabotaging mindset can waste both time and energy.
You may have encountered a similar scenario with your child. When you request they complete a task, like cleaning their room, they might respond with resistance and objections instead of simply following through. Why do we react this way? The answer lies in a psychological phenomenon known as reactance.
Understanding Psychological Reactance
Psychological reactance is that instinctive urge to resist when we are told to do something. It manifests as a voice inside us that digs in its heels, turns away, and defiantly states, “Nope, not doing it.” This reaction can occur even when the action is something we genuinely want or need to do.
It’s important to note that this is distinct from Oppositional Defiant Disorder, where children and teenagers actively rebel against authority and rules. Reactance is a response to the feeling that our autonomy is being compromised. This can serve as a protective mechanism, triggering an adrenaline rush that prompts us to either fight or flee.
When someone imposes their will on us, our brains react as if our safety is at stake. We feel cornered and instinctively respond with defiance, rudeness, or even aggression as a way to reclaim control over our choices. This instinct is beneficial in genuinely threatening situations; however, it often arises in contexts where there is no real danger.
Self-Reflection and Reactance
Let’s reflect on how we often do this to ourselves. We might schedule an exercise session, plan to declutter a messy room, or agree to meet a friend for a walk—all activities we desire to do. Yet when it comes time to follow through, we may resist and make excuses. Author Sam Carter explains that this occurs because it feels like we are being ordered around by our past selves, leading to a sense of frustration and hypocrisy.
In his book, “Distraction-Free,” Carter emphasizes the value of reframing our thoughts. Instead of perceiving tasks as obligations, we should view them as opportunities. This shift in perspective helps restore our sense of agency—something we all crave.
The Impact of the Pandemic
The pandemic has amplified these feelings of reactance. The uncertainty surrounding our circumstances made many feel threatened, which contributed to resistance toward mask mandates. Some turned the narrative around, viewing masks as a means to protect ourselves and others, thereby gaining a sense of control.
Reactance in Children
Children also exhibit reactance when asked to do simple tasks. When I request my kids to brush their teeth or get ready for school, they often balk at the instruction. I’ve found that offering them choices can help ease this resistance. For example, I might ask if they would prefer to clean their toys now or later, giving them a sense of autonomy while still guiding them toward necessary tasks.
Recognizing Our Own Reactance
Recognizing our own reactance is crucial. We must acknowledge this instinct and lower our defenses before they escalate and hinder our ability to accept guidance. If we struggle with input that poses no real threat, we risk facing the consequences of our stubbornness.
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Summary
Understanding psychological reactance can help us navigate our behaviors and those of our children. By recognizing this instinctive resistance, we can foster better communication and cooperation in our relationships. Framing tasks as opportunities rather than obligations can alleviate feelings of being controlled, enhancing our sense of autonomy.
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