I’m an Asian Father Who Reassured My Children That Everything Would Be Fine — I Wasn't Honest

When I first learned about the tragic loss of eight innocent lives in Atlanta, six of whom were Asian women, I felt a deep sense of despair wash over me. It was as if the ongoing violence and hostility directed at individuals who resemble my family had reached a horrifying peak. A whirlwind of worries flooded my mind. Was this a significant turning point? Would the situation only deteriorate from here?

After sharing my feelings of sadness and concern with my wife, who is white, we decided that I would have a conversation with our older children about these distressing events. Discussing senseless violence and death with kids is challenging, but I have faced similar conversations before regarding the murder of George Floyd, the Capitol insurrection, and the racism faced by Asian Americans.

Both my wife and I want our children to have a clear understanding of current events, especially those that resonate with our family’s values of social justice and our biracial identity. While I may never find the right words, I believe that creating imperfect yet meaningful teachable moments is far better than leaving my kids uninformed or relying solely on hearsay.

I took a day to process my emotions before approaching my kids. I wanted to ensure I could share my thoughts without becoming too emotional or frightening them. The next day, I sat down with my two oldest daughters, ages 10 and 8, to discuss something troubling that had happened. I explained, in a way they could understand, that a man had killed eight people, six of whom were Asian women. I expressed my sadness because lives were lost, and some of the victims shared our background. We had previously talked about the hatred and violence directed at Asians, which has become more pronounced during the pandemic.

As our conversation drew to a close, I faced the most challenging moment. I wanted to end on a reassuring note, so I told them they would be safe. I had no way of guaranteeing this, but I felt compelled to say it. To further comfort them, I mentioned that these events occurred far away on the other side of the country.

Once the conversation ended, I realized I had been dishonest. I couldn’t assure them, with certainty, that they would always be safe. Data from Stop AAPI Hate reveals a troubling prevalence of hate incidents in our state, including a recent attack on an Asian man in a nearby community. Beyond physical violence, my family could face various forms of hate, including verbal harassment and vandalism.

So, why did I mislead my children by saying they would be okay?

First, I felt a strong need to protect them. As a parent, one of my responsibilities is to prepare my children for whatever challenges they may face. I wanted to discuss these tragic events to help them navigate harsh realities, but I also didn’t want to instill an overwhelming fear in them, as that would be paralyzing rather than protective. So, I told them they would be okay.

Secondly, as an Asian man, I often struggle to acknowledge my own feelings and express them. Throughout my life, I’ve learned to suppress my emotions, believing they would hinder my ability to function both at work and at home. I didn’t want to burden my kids with the anger and hatred I feel towards those responsible for this violence, fearing I would lose control. So, I lied and said they would be okay.

Lastly, I was at a loss about what could be done to address this situation. If I knew of tangible efforts being made to combat anti-Asian violence, I would have loved to share that hope with my kids. Unfortunately, I had no specific actions to discuss. It often feels like only Asian Americans care about this issue. The best comfort I could offer was broad reassurances that sounded nice. So, I lied and said they would be okay.

I long for the day when I can tell my children they will be safe without it being a lie. In my darkest moments, I worry that this day may never come for us or for future generations. Yet, in my moments of hope, I believe that families like ours speaking out and taking action can contribute to the change we desperately need.

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In summary, as a parent, I grapple with the complexities of discussing difficult topics with my children. I strive to balance honesty with the need to protect them from unnecessary fear. The ongoing violence against Asian Americans weighs heavily on my heart, and I hope for a future where I can reassure my children without feeling the urge to deceive.