I Resented My Partner After My Pregnancy Losses

The reality is this: I experienced four pregnancy losses, and after each one, I felt a deep-seated resentment toward my partner.

My first loss was an ectopic pregnancy, which meant the embryo lodged itself in my left fallopian tube. This situation led to emergency surgery, necessary to save my life. The day following the operation, while I lay in bed groggy from pain medication, my partner, Jake, chose to attend a hockey game with his brother. When I shared my anger about this with a friend, she recounted a similar experience, saying, “When I had my miscarriage, my husband went to Vegas.” It appears this behavior is not uncommon among some partners after such losses. Psychologists refer to it as avoidance—I simply found it infuriating.

Throughout my four losses (two ectopic pregnancies, a first-trimester miscarriage, and a second-trimester miscarriage), Jake busied himself with various hobbies. He took up mountain biking, mapping out routes through the nearby hills and scattering maps around our home. He went on long runs, volunteered for local causes he had never cared about before, and became obsessed with cleaning—one day, I even caught him scrubbing the backyard cement. At one point, he enrolled in a disaster preparedness course, researching questions like, “Can you drink pool water in an emergency?” It left me wondering if he viewed our losses as such a vulnerability that he felt compelled to prepare for the worst.

Unfortunately, one thing missing from his list of activities was communicating with me. I desperately wanted to talk about our losses, a need that directly conflicted with his desire to “move on.” He preferred to pretend as if nothing had happened while I felt like a wreck, mentally and physically. To me, it seemed he wasn’t grieving at all—he was far too busy for that.

It took time and couples therapy for me to understand that Jake was grieving in his own way. While co-authoring “All the Love: Healing Your Heart and Finding Meaning After Pregnancy Loss,” I spoke extensively with my co-authors about how common it is for couples to struggle after such losses, often due to differing grieving styles. As grief expert David Kessler stated in a podcast with Brené Brown, “I do not believe child loss causes divorce; I believe judgment of each other’s grief causes divorce.” Divorce is a real risk for couples after a loss. A study tracking over 7,000 pregnant couples for fifteen years found that those who experienced a miscarriage were 22% more likely to separate than those who didn’t, with an even higher percentage for couples who faced stillbirth. The increased threat of divorce can linger for up to a decade after such a loss.

If you find yourself resenting your partner after a pregnancy loss and wish to preserve your relationship, consider these insights:

He also lost a child. While he didn’t carry the baby, he was also looking forward to parenthood. I remember the excitement in Jake’s eyes when I first shared my pregnancy news. I didn’t consider his feelings of disappointment after each loss—my own grief consumed me. However, studies show that fathers also experience grief in various ways, including emotional suppression and increased stress.
He likely feels helpless. Jake is the type who likes to fix things, but there’s no simple solution to the grief of losing a pregnancy. This unsettling reality can cause partners to retreat, thinking, “If I can’t fix it, I won’t deal with it,” which is just a reflection of their own pain.
He may be scared, too. At one point, Jake expressed, “You’re my rock. I don’t know what to do when you’re crumbling.” He feared he’d lost me irreparably and that I might never overcome our losses. Acknowledging each other’s fears could have opened the door for mutual comfort and lessened our struggles.
It’s not that he doesn’t care; he’s trying to be strong. Men are often socialized to suppress their emotions to appear strong. This societal pressure can lead partners to struggle with expressing their feelings during difficult times.
Sometimes you need outside support. The idea that a spouse should fulfill all emotional needs is a heavy burden to place on one person. Instead of resenting Jake for not meeting all my emotional requirements, I learned to seek support from friends and family. This didn’t mean giving up on our marriage; rather, it alleviated pressure on our relationship. Once I found that support, my resentment towards Jake faded. My emotional needs were met, even if not solely by him, and that ultimately helped strengthen our bond.
Keep the bigger picture in mind. Grieving is a process, and while it can feel overwhelming, it’s important to remember that these feelings are phases. Now, several years later, we have a wonderful three-year-old daughter who arrived after a straightforward pregnancy. Our experiences of loss have ultimately made us stronger as a couple, fostering resilience and confidence in our relationship.

If you are navigating similar feelings, it may be helpful to explore more resources on pregnancy loss and support. For more insights, you can visit this blog post or check out this excellent resource for understanding the intricacies of pregnancy and home insemination.

Summary:

Navigating the complexities of grief after pregnancy loss can lead to resentment between partners. Acknowledging each other’s feelings, understanding different grieving styles, and seeking support outside the relationship can help preserve intimacy. Remembering that both partners experience loss, albeit in different ways, can foster empathy and strengthen the relationship.