On February 26th, 2020, at 6:30 PM, I welcomed my first child into the world—an 8 lb 10 oz baby girl named Lily, who measured 22 inches long. Her arrival marked the end of our challenging infertility journey, which included a successful IVF frozen transfer. Growing up as one of five children raised by a single father, my struggle with infertility deepened my desire to become a mother and fully embrace my nurturing instincts.
The nine months leading to Lily’s birth were a rollercoaster of emotions. I distinctly remember the moment of her delivery during our 24-hour induction when our doctor, in a rush, accidentally fractured her clavicle while freeing her from the umbilical cord tangled around her neck. The delivery room fell silent until we finally heard her first cry; it was a moment filled with immense relief for my husband and me.
After a short hospital stay, we returned home, feeling grateful and somewhat unscathed. Just as we began to settle into our new life as a family of three, Minnesota imposed its first stay-at-home order. We quickly adapted to this new reality, mourning our inability to introduce Lily to family and friends. Instead, we found ourselves meticulously disinfecting groceries, isolating, and taking turns expressing our various psychosomatic symptoms related to anxiety.
During my 16-week maternity leave, I often gazed at Lily, captivated by her mere existence, while simultaneously battling an overwhelming sense of fear and uncertainty. I anxiously tuned into daily COVID updates from Andrew Cuomo and was even intrigued by Chris Cuomo’s basement broadcasts during those late-night feedings. I became emotionally invested in the state of COVID in Minnesota, feeling joy when case numbers stabilized and frustration during peaks.
My heart ached when my pediatrician reassured me in early May that “COVID hasn’t broken Lily” after I voiced concerns regarding her social development, given she hadn’t yet visited places like Target or the grocery store. I cried in my car post-appointment, realizing we were only at the beginning of this pandemic chapter. My optimism felt crushed under the weight of constant information overload and the necessity to assess risk before decisions that once seemed trivial. I grappled with guilt for mourning my maternity leave despite being fortunate enough to have paid time off. Most painfully, I felt isolated as a first-time mother navigating this new world during a pandemic.
It’s evident that COVID dominated my first year of motherhood, but I’ve slowly come to accept that this is part of our story. I have a healthy baby, and as my maternity leave ended, I found a renewed sense of calm after overcoming unforeseen challenges. Although our friends and family haven’t yet held Lily close or embraced her with hugs, they love her as they love me, which is what truly matters.
Our journey to parenthood was rife with uncertainties, but I reflect on our struggles with gratitude for the support and hope we received along the way. I believe our first year as parents, while filled with unique challenges and unknowns, also overflowed with love and optimism.
For more insights and support on topics related to pregnancy and home insemination, check out this blog post here. If you’re considering starting a family, you might find helpful resources like the CDC’s infertility statistics or explore the options available at Make A Mom.
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