To My Toxic Parents: Grateful for the Lessons on What Not to Do

Dear Susan and Mark,

It feels strange to refer to you as my parents. In my heart, I’ve never truly had the guidance of parents. You were physically present, but emotionally absent.

For years, I have wrestled with anger. You were correct; I do struggle with it. Being told to suppress negative feelings, being shamed for expressing hurt, and experiencing gaslighting—these have all contributed to my issues with anger. You taught me that expressing anger made me a bad person, while you could be volatile and verbally abusive without consequences. This has left me feeling bewildered, questioning my own sanity and worth.

More than anything, I have been angry with myself. Why wasn’t I lovable? Why didn’t I measure up? I internalized the belief that it was my fault, that I wasn’t enough. You instilled in me the idea that you were never to blame. I’ve become adept at shouldering the responsibility for your actions.

But I was just a child. You were the adults, and it was never my fault.

I understand that I wasn’t the perfect child. I know I could have caused you stress. But that was not my responsibility. You were the ones in the wrong.

For many years, I have waited for genuine apologies. I would genuinely reconsider reconnecting if I believed you had changed. However, your apologies feel insincere. You seem to offer them because you know it’s expected, not from a place of true remorse. You hope I’ll forget the past and we can revert to “normal.”

What you fail to grasp is that your version of normal is not acceptable to me. I refuse to return to a place where I despise myself, where I feel unloved and fearful. Your apologies sting more than silence. You believe that parents don’t owe their children apologies, and when those apologies are accompanied by instructions not to be upset, it’s clear to me that the hope for change is futile. You think parents are always right and that children should respect them unconditionally.

I did respect you, but I’ve learned that respect is earned. Disrespect, too, is earned. While I would never be cruel to you, I cannot find it within myself to respect you. I cannot respect those who repeatedly harm their own children, taking advantage of their forgiveness.

During our last interaction, Susan, you made a passive-aggressive comment: “I hope nothing ever goes wrong with your children.” I understood your intent; you secretly wish for my children to turn away from me so that I might finally recognize your perspective. Mark, in your last letter, you spoke about your struggles with parenting as if they justify your actions. I know you hope I will face similar challenges and come to the same conclusions you have about blame.

These comments deeply wounded me and shattered any hope I had for your transformation.

Yet, I want to express my gratitude.

Thank you, Susan and Mark, for demonstrating the importance of adults offering sincere apologies to children. Thank you for showing me that respect is not a given but must be earned. Thank you for illustrating that parents must take responsibility for their actions, regardless of their challenges. Thank you for reminding me that true apologies must be genuine and followed by actions that reassure children of their safety and trust.

Thank you for teaching me how not to parent. If I ever find myself in a position to raise children, I will not let pride prevent me from admitting my mistakes. I will listen to my children, validate their feelings, and create an environment where they can express themselves without fear. They will know their home is a safe space for open discussions.

Thank you for showing me the way it should NOT be done.

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Summary

This letter reflects on the author’s painful experiences with their parents, Susan and Mark, who were emotionally absent and abusive. The author expresses anger, confusion, and self-blame, ultimately finding empowerment in understanding that their parents’ actions were not their fault. Through this journey, the author vows to break the cycle of toxicity in their future parenting, emphasizing the importance of sincere apologies, earned respect, and open communication.