Relief can be a powerful yet often misunderstood emotion. It’s a feeling many people experience after a period of anxiety or distress, similar to the refreshing sensation of a gentle breeze on a hot day. However, it’s not an emotion typically associated with grief, especially when it involves the death of a loved one. Yet, that’s exactly how I felt when my mother passed away.
When my mother died in June, I was met with an unexpected sense of comfort and happiness. For me, her passing represented a long-awaited respite. My mother was a deeply complicated individual. She struggled with mental health issues and addiction, and her behavior was often harmful. I spent 36 years navigating the turbulent waters of her emotional manipulation and verbal abuse, and her death provided a sense of closure that I had long hoped for.
I grappled with feelings of anger and shame about my initial reaction. Who feels relief and gratitude when their mother dies? To understand my response, it’s essential to grasp the nature of my mother’s struggles and our fraught relationship. She battled undiagnosed depression for years, which often overshadowed my childhood. Her harsh words made me feel worthless: I was called a disappointment, a mistake. As she turned to alcohol in her later years, the chasm between us only widened, complicating our relationship.
Despite my feelings toward her, I didn’t hate her; I despised the person she had become. Loving someone with an addiction is an uphill battle, and I often felt responsible for her well-being. So when I received the call that she was “missing” on June 24th, I remained calm. The notion of her death brought a strange relief, as it signified an end to our pain.
When I finally went to her apartment, I knew I was likely going to face an ending. I took a deep breath before opening the door, not out of fear but from a sense of impending freedom. I didn’t wish for her to die; if anything, I wished for a different outcome. I mourn the relationship we never had and the memories we will never create. I also carry with me a heavy burden of guilt and shame, feeling as though I failed to save her or our relationship.
It’s common for people to feel relief when grieving, yet it often feels like a taboo emotion. An article on What’s Your Grief explains that many who experience this sensation carry it as a secret, feeling that it’s something to be ashamed of. But emotions are complex, and it’s possible to feel relief while also mourning.
If you’re navigating the loss of a complicated loved one and feel relief, know that your feelings are valid. You are not alone in this journey, and your emotions deserve recognition.
For further insights, check out this related blog post that discusses the complexities of grief, or learn more about fertility options that can empower your journey. Additionally, the information found on Healthline is an excellent resource for those looking into pregnancy and home insemination.
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In summary, navigating the emotions surrounding loss can be incredibly complex, especially when relief intertwines with grief. It’s crucial to recognize that there is no right or wrong way to process these feelings and to understand that you are not alone in your experience.
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