“Did you know that when Dad and I tie the knot, I’ll be your step-mum?”
As I caught the basketball he tossed my way, I hugged it close and bent down to meet his gaze, curious about his thoughts as a seven-year-old. He had been playing pretend weddings with his toys and seemed thrilled, but it’s often hard to read shy kids.
“Actually, you’ll be my only mum,” he replied softly.
Before becoming a parent, I always envisioned having daughters. It wasn’t that I would have been unhappy with a son; I just felt unprepared for the challenge. I’m not particularly energetic, and the boys I knew were always loud and full of chaos. I imagined a scenario where I’d be constantly shooing them outside or retreating to a corner, overwhelmed by broken toys and muddy clothes. It was an irrational fear, but I couldn’t shake it. Growing up with sisters, I was well-equipped to handle girls. However, when I started dating my new partner, I was apprehensive knowing he had a little boy. Initially, we kept our relationship from his son, wanting to ensure we were in it for the long haul before introducing the kids. Still, I sensed the boy was curious about me, often glancing my way as if trying to decipher my presence. I made an effort to give them space to bond, while I too adjusted to the idea of having a potential stepson.
As we spent time together, I began to think that maybe raising boys wasn’t as daunting as I had imagined, even though I still felt a bit lost. My stepson, rather than being boisterous, is a contemplative and quiet child. He tends to be reserved around most people, so when he finally opened up around me, it felt like a privilege. One day at the pool, while my partner and his son were playfully splashing each other, my stepson swam over to me, wrapped his tiny arms around my neck, and whispered, “Let’s push Dad under! Don’t tell him!” He giggled with glee, and I felt a surge of warmth—he was including me in his playful scheme. Later, I shared this moment with my partner, who smiled broadly, saying, “He’s finally accepting you!” It took time, but my stepson had come to see me as someone special.
I often ponder whether part of his initial hesitation stemmed from the fact that I represented a mother figure. His birth mother transitioned when he was very young, so he doesn’t have memories of what having a mum is like. To him, I might simply be filling that role, which complicates things. My partner usually receives the Mother’s Day crafts and cards from school, although last year, none came home. Perhaps the school staff are beginning to recognize the complexities of Mother’s and Father’s Days for some children.
When my stepson said, “You’ll be my only mum,” it struck a chord. I may be inexperienced in being a mother to a boy, but he also doesn’t have a solid reference for what a mum is. His ideas likely come from movies, TV shows, and friends’ mothers, none of whom I know. In films, mothers often face tragic fates. My daughters and I have even joked about how often mothers die early in movies. One time, my youngest asked, “When are you going to die, mummy?” convinced it was a norm for mothers. To be fair, mothers in films are usually depicted as loving, but if my stepson has seen portrayals of stepmothers, he may have a skewed view of what motherhood entails.
After two years of dating, my partner and I finally got married. My stepson was excited, albeit in his understated manner, which I had learned to read. He beamed in his new black “grown-up” shoes, mirroring his dad’s, and I knew he felt important holding the wedding rings. We included just our kids in the ceremony—my daughters as bridesmaids and flower girls, and my stepson by my partner’s side, looking dapper in his pinstriped vest and navy tie.
After the ceremony, I found my stepson quietly sitting alone. “You’re my son now,” I said with a smile. “My only son.” He nodded in agreement. “What does a stepmum do?” I asked, making a silly face. “I guess I have to kick you and wipe boogers on you?” (His humor often revolves around such things.) He chuckled and shook his head, “No! I do that to you!”
Three weeks after the wedding, we were having dinner when my stepson announced, “Oh yeah, I should start calling you your new name.” I expected something amusing, but he simply replied, “Mum, of course.”
I suppose we’ll navigate together what that truly means for our new family dynamic.
For more insights on parenting and to explore related topics, check out this blog post and resources on pregnancy at the CDC. For an authoritative guide on home insemination, visit Make A Mom.
Summary:
This article shares the journey of a woman navigating her role as a stepmother to a young boy. Initially apprehensive about raising a boy, she finds joy in their bond, especially after he acknowledges her as his only mum. Their relationship evolves as they both learn what motherhood means in their unique situation.
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