A few years ago, during a family Thanksgiving gathering, I found myself outside on a relative’s patio, surrounded by a couple of cousins as we waited for the turkey to be ready. I was mostly quiet, listening as one cousin mentioned another who had come out as gay years earlier. That cousin was present, accompanied by his boyfriend, whom some family members insisted on referring to as just a “friend.”
One cousin asked if he would attend our gay cousin’s wedding if it ever happened. The reply was a harsh “No,” followed by a mocking snort. When pressed for a reason, he proclaimed, “I believe that God intended for men and women to be together, and that homosexuality is a sin.” My heart raced, and anger surged within me. Did he realize he was talking about me too? Would it even make a difference if I said something? I bit my tongue, while another cousin challenged him, questioning why it mattered how others loved. She insisted that his viewpoint was misguided.
Looking back, I regret not speaking up—I wish I had voiced my thoughts and left the room. I know enough about his life to recognize the hypocrisy in his comments about “sin.” I hate that I allowed myself to simmer in anger, my heart pounding and my hands trembling, without saying a word. At that moment, no one knew I was gay. I should have stood up for my cousin; he shouldn’t have to be in a space where his boyfriend wasn’t even recognized. That kind of treatment is not normal, and I refuse to remain silent any longer. I will instill this same message in my children.
The Dangers of Silence
Silence breeds bigotry. It creates a vacuum where hatred can thrive. Our inaction serves as consent and complicity. Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. spoke about the dangers of the “white moderate” in his Letter from Birmingham Jail, highlighting that the greatest obstacle to freedom is not the overt oppressor but those who prioritize comfort over justice. His words echo for all who are marginalized. When those who claim to care remain silent, they inadvertently allow prejudice and injustice to persist. We must not hold back our voices for the sake of “keeping the peace.” The only peace we preserve is our own, while the marginalized continue to suffer emotional and often physical harm.
We need to speak out and teach our children to do the same. For instance, I am teaching my son to call out problematic remarks when he hears other men discussing women inappropriately. This expectation must be universal; we need to set a higher standard for our boys. A viral TikTok clip featured comedian Daniel Sloss, who shared his personal experience, stating, “There are monsters among us, and they look like us.” He emphasized the flawed thinking that leads to inaction: “I’m not part of the problem, therefore I must be part of the solution.”
This moderate behavior—acting well personally without demanding the same from others—creates a false sense of peace that only benefits those in privileged positions. It is complicity. Sloss courageously acknowledged his own failure to act, reflecting on the signs he ignored that led to tragedy. If you belong to a group and witness harmful behavior without speaking up, you are not innocent; you are complicit.
Allyship must reach the systemic level as well. While it’s vital to confront issues among friends and family, we must also strive for change within systems of power. Support representatives who recognize and address marginalization, and make your voice heard by contacting your local officials. Take action and demonstrate this commitment to your children. Let them see you engage in this important work.
If we hope to build a safer, fairer world for the generations to come, we cannot prioritize our comfort while others are denied theirs. We need to take action, both individually and systemically, or we risk being complicit in the very issues we wish to change.
Summary
Speaking up against discrimination and teaching our children to do the same is essential. Silence allows bigotry to thrive, and we must hold ourselves and others accountable for harmful behavior. By promoting allyship and encouraging systemic change, we can create a more equitable future for all.
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