In recent times, I’ve found myself reflecting on my life with a sense of gratitude. I am thankful for the opportunity to spend another day surrounded by my loved ones. As news about COVID-19 spread, I must admit I was filled with fear. The reports were alarming, and the statistics concerning potential fatalities were terrifying. I remember telling my partner that I was worried I would lose many people I cared about.
Unfortunately, this has been a harsh reality for countless families. Thankfully, most of my closest friends and family have remained safe, and those who contracted the virus did not experience severe symptoms requiring hospitalization.
About a month ago, I learned of an acquaintance who was hospitalized due to COVID-19 and was not recovering well. Although I didn’t know him personally, his decline saddened me. While I was out with my child for his first ice skating lesson, I received the news of his passing through a Facebook post. It was heartbreaking to think of his family, especially his young grandchildren.
Later that evening, as we were settling in for the night, my partner casually mentioned a smell. I didn’t detect anything, which triggered a realization that I had lost my sense of smell. While not terrified, I planned to get a COVID test the next morning, as I felt fine otherwise. Being someone who wrestles with anxiety, my mind began racing with thoughts of what I should do to prepare in case my health took a turn for the worse. There were some things in my life that were squared away, but others weren’t, leading to uncomfortable thoughts about what I might need to communicate in case I didn’t make it.
As I thought about my own mortality, I was reminded of my mother, who faced cancer at a young age. I never had the chance to discuss her fears about dying, which left me without firsthand insights into the emotional landscape of knowing your time may be limited. Fortunately, when my COVID test came back positive, I was mildly affected and continued to work from home while quarantining with my family.
A week later, I saw a post from a college friend who had been hospitalized with COVID-19 but seemed to be improving. However, soon after, his updates became dire, and he expressed his fear of dying. The following morning, a family member took over his social media, sharing the devastating news of his passing. While we hadn’t spoken in years, the bond of shared memories from college kept us connected in a way. His death just days before Easter made me reflect on the fragility of life, especially since we were both in our late 40s and had been diagnosed with the same illness.
A few days after my friend’s passing, I received a voicemail from an unfamiliar number, which turned out to be a colleague of my therapist. I instantly sensed something was wrong. The news that my therapist had passed away was shocking. The relationship formed in therapy is profound, even if it is one-sided. I had shared intimate thoughts with him, yet knew little about his personal life. His sudden absence stirred a whirlwind of emotions, especially as I considered the impact on my life.
Thoughts of loss have become more prevalent since becoming a parent. The weight of responsibility for my child’s well-being can be overwhelming. I often find myself wrestling with anxiety about losing my loved ones. There are no satisfying answers to the question of “What would happen if…?” The unknown can feel paralyzing.
In navigating these feelings, perhaps the best approach is to prepare as best we can for the inevitable, easing the burden for those we leave behind. This includes practical measures to ensure our partners and children are taken care of, as well as engaging in difficult conversations about our fears regarding life and death.
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In summary, my journey through the fear and uncertainty of COVID-19 has led me to a profound appreciation for life and family. As I navigate these emotions, I recognize the importance of preparation and open conversations about what truly matters.
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