A few weeks ago, I organized a small, intimate birthday celebration for my daughter’s fourth year. With the aim of injecting some joy into what has been a rather unusual year for her, I invested a lot of effort into the planning. She requested a princess cake, so I donned my apron and crafted her a rather impressive (if somewhat lopsided) cake. She also wanted a piñata, so I scoured Pinterest for DIY ideas and nearly injured myself in the process. I gathered princess-themed crafts, a shockingly bright dress, and a collection of garish jewelry.
On the day of the celebration, my daughter seemed to enjoy herself. She lit up at her dress, devoured cake, and ensured her friends left with the least appealing pieces of jewelry. However, what struck me most was that she hardly acknowledged my presence the entire time.
Before the party, I didn’t expect any specific expressions of gratitude from her. After all, she is just four, still learning about manners. Yet, when she spent the whole day avoiding me, even running away when I tried to snap a picture or share cake, it stung a little.
When the party wrapped up and her friends went home, she dashed to her room to play with her new jewelry box—alone. In a moment of near desperation, I turned to my husband and asked, “Do you think she liked it?” He simply replied, “She’s four, and there was cake. I’m pretty sure she liked it.”
It’s worth noting that she had also ignored my husband throughout the day, which didn’t seem to bother him. He possesses a deeper understanding of child development, as I later learned from expert Janet Lansbury about a young child’s ability to show appreciation. Spoiler: it’s minimal.
Moreover, considering that my daughter had been cooped up for nearly a year, having a party—even one with just a couple of friends—was likely overwhelming. It makes sense that she was too preoccupied with the festivities and the sugar rush to pay attention to me or recognize my efforts.
Ultimately, her ignoring me had little to do with my parenting or party planning skills, and everything to do with her own state of mind as a four-year-old. Before becoming a stay-at-home mom, I spent a decade as a middle school English teacher, where I often sought validation from students and peers. I taught about 120 kids each year, and while many liked me, I fixated on the few who didn’t. That anxiety consumed me for years.
After having my first child, I found myself too exhausted to worry as much. I still let minor grievances affect me, but I felt a slight shift in my sensitivity. A few hours post-party, a friend texted to say how much fun she had at the celebration, which made me swell with pride. At that moment, a realization hit me:
My daughter is four. She doesn’t hold the power to determine my self-worth or parenting success. Why was I allowing her views to dictate how I felt about my efforts? I organized a special event for her, cleaned the house, baked a cake, and even got my husband involved in making a piñata after I hurt myself. I showed her love and care, and that should have been enough for me to feel satisfied.
While it’s tempting to let my children’s unpredictable reactions affect my self-assessment, that approach is flawed. Just as I wouldn’t let a teenager critique my teaching methods, I shouldn’t let my daughter’s indifference undermine my parenting choices.
As my kids grow, they will undoubtedly voice their opinions—sometimes enthusiastically and other times apathetically—about how my husband and I raise them. They’ll provide feedback on what they liked and what they didn’t. While it’s important to value constructive criticism, I also need to trust my instincts.
As I plan my younger son’s second birthday celebration, I feel liberated knowing I can focus on what truly matters: the love, thought, and effort I put into caring for him. Even if things don’t go perfectly, the love I invest into his birthday and everyday life is what counts the most.
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In summary, while it’s easy to let our children’s reactions influence our perception of our parenting, it’s crucial to remember that their views are often shaped by their own experiences and developmental stages. Prioritizing love and effort in our parenting will always outweigh the fleeting opinions of our little ones.
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