I Struggled with Resentment Towards My Partner After My Miscarriages

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By: Sarah Mitchell

Here’s the reality: I experienced four pregnancy losses, and with each one, I found myself harboring resentment towards my partner.

My first loss was an ectopic pregnancy, which meant the embryo implanted in my left fallopian tube, necessitating emergency surgery to terminate the pregnancy and protect my health. The day after the surgery, while I was still recovering and feeling the effects of pain medication, my husband, Mark, chose to attend a hockey game with his brother. When I vented my frustration about this to a friend, she shared that her husband had gone to Vegas after her miscarriage. It seems that some partners, in the wake of such losses, resort to avoidance, which I found incredibly frustrating.

During my four losses—two ectopic pregnancies, a first-trimester miscarriage, and a second-trimester miscarriage—Mark kept himself busy with various projects. He took up mountain biking, meticulously charting different routes through our local hills, leaving maps scattered around the house. He went on long runs and became involved in community causes that had previously gone unnoticed by him. He even developed a cleaning obsession; one day, I discovered him scrubbing the backyard cement. Additionally, he enrolled in a disaster preparedness course, researching odd topics like whether pool water is safe to drink in emergencies. I couldn’t help but wonder if his flurry of activities was a way to cope with the vulnerability our losses brought into our lives.

One thing that was notably absent from his list of activities: talking to me. I yearned to discuss our experiences, but my need for communication clashed with his desire to “move on.” He seemed intent on bypassing the emotional aftermath, attempting to carry on as if nothing had happened. I resented his stoicism and felt like I was the only one grappling with the pain. At times, it seemed he wasn’t grieving at all—he was simply too preoccupied with everything else.

It took time, along with couples therapy, for me to understand that Mark was indeed grieving, just in a way that was different from my own. While working on All the Love: Healing Your Heart and Finding Meaning After Pregnancy Loss, I spoke extensively with my co-authors about the struggles couples often face following a loss, largely due to differing grieving styles. As grief expert David Kessler noted, “I do not believe child loss causes divorce; I believe judgment of each other’s grief causes divorce.”

The risk of separation or divorce after such losses is significant. A study following over 7,000 pregnant couples for fifteen years found that those who experienced miscarriages were 22 percent more likely to separate than those who did not, with even higher rates for couples facing stillbirth. This risk can persist for up to a decade after the loss.

If you find yourself feeling resentment towards your partner after a pregnancy loss and wish to preserve your relationship, here are some thoughts to consider:

1. Remember, he lost a baby too. While he didn’t carry the baby, he was also preparing for parenthood. I recall the excitement in Mark’s eyes when I first told him I was pregnant. His disappointment during our losses was overshadowed by my own grief, but it’s essential to remember that fathers suffer too. Research indicates that fathers often experience grief suppression, employment challenges, and even increased substance use after such losses.
2. He likely feels helpless. Many partners are natural fixers, and the grief that follows a pregnancy loss can feel insurmountable. This helplessness can prompt retreat, leading them to withdraw emotionally.
3. He’s probably scared, too. Mark once expressed, “You’re my rock. I don’t know what to do when you’re crumbling.” He feared losing me in a way that wouldn’t be fixable and worried about my ability to move past our losses. If we had acknowledged our fears together, it could have fostered a deeper connection during such a challenging time.
4. He’s trying to “stay strong.” Men are often conditioned to suppress their emotions to appear strong. Recognizing this can foster empathy and understanding for their behavior.
5. Seek support from others. Society often places undue pressure on partners to fulfill every emotional need. Instead of fixating on Mark’s inability to meet all my emotional requirements, I learned to lean on friends and family for support. This approach lightened the load on our marriage and helped alleviate my frustration with him. Once my emotional needs were met elsewhere, I found my anger towards Mark diminishing.
6. Keep the big picture in mind. Grieving is a process, and while it can feel overwhelming, these phases are temporary. Years later, after welcoming our daughter following a healthy pregnancy, I can appreciate how our experiences strengthened our relationship. We’ve gained confidence in our resilience as a couple, knowing we can overcome challenges together.

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Summary:

Experiencing pregnancy loss can strain relationships as partners often grieve differently. Understanding each other’s perspectives, seeking outside support, and recognizing shared grief can help couples navigate these difficult times together. Embracing this journey can ultimately strengthen the bond between partners.