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It was February 14, 2021—Valentine’s Day. My husband and I had taken our ten-month-old and three-year-old to a playground and ordered takeout from our favorite restaurant. To anyone scrolling through social media, it seemed like a perfect day.
But when the kids were napping, my husband pulled me aside and dropped a bombshell: he had filed for divorce with an attorney he hired, reserved a rental home, and planned to move in within the month. His words felt rehearsed, like he was trying to navigate a difficult conversation. Honestly, we were both so emotionally drained that I’m not sure either of us truly grasped the significance of that day.
The pain I felt in that moment was indescribable. I was in a whirlwind—pregnant, giving birth to a second daughter, juggling a demanding job, battling COVID, and now facing divorce—all during a pandemic. No one should have to endure such a tumultuous journey.
While I felt blindsided, the announcement itself was not entirely unexpected. I’d been voicing my desire for separation and hinting at the possibility of divorce for over a year. I had been angry and frustrated, grappling with pregnancy, postpartum challenges, anxiety about COVID, and the pressures of raising two small children. The isolation of stay-at-home orders and the additional stress from our families didn’t help, either. Navigating an interracial marriage against a backdrop of social upheaval only added to the tension. Was it him? Was it me? Or was our marriage simply not meant to be? Perhaps it took these experiences for us to realize that this chapter of our lives was coming to an end.
Before his announcement, I harbored so much anger that I jokingly pondered whether he’d be worth more dead than alive (for the record, I do not wish him harm). In my fury, I began searching for resources on divorce, primarily concerned with how it would affect our children. There was also a part of me that wanted to “win,” as if life were a competition. With the overwhelming flood of information available—sensationalized portrayals of divorce in the media, targeted ads based on late-night internet searches, and an entire industry profiting from couples splitting up—it was easy to spiral into despair, especially during COVID.
I slowly expanded my understanding beyond online forums. I started reading books, attending free county webinars on divorce, tuning into podcasts, talking to a therapist, joining a Zoom therapy group, and reaching out to others who had been through similar experiences. Initially, my journey was about figuring out how to “win” at divorce, but it gradually turned into a process of introspection. I felt as though I had purged all my negativity and was forced to confront myself.
Ultimately, it became clear that I could only control my own actions and reactions. I realized that if I sat with my discomfort long enough, I could discover some clarity and peace within myself. Instead of chasing external validation, I needed to cultivate my own inner strength.
Deciding whether to stay in or leave the marriage required a deep, honest reflection, and I recognized that my prior calls for separation were often fueled by anger rather than rooted in true conviction. I saw similar patterns in others navigating their own divorces—too many people labeling their soon-to-be ex-partners with psychological disorders rather than confronting the complexities of their relationships.
In the end, I realized I wasn’t ready for a divorce. However, the decision was ultimately made for me. Ironically, it came on a day dedicated to love. Perhaps this choice will turn out to be the most profound act of self-love I could offer myself.
Letting go involves taking responsibility for my part in the marriage’s downfall, mourning the future I envisioned, and stepping forward toward a brighter tomorrow for myself and my children. Regardless of fault, we all suffer losses in different ways. My accountability included:
- Failing to set and communicate clear emotional boundaries, leading to frustration and resentment.
- Feeding my anxiety about the future, which distracted me from being present.
- Turning competition into avoidance and bitterness instead of collaboration.
- Harboring the unrealistic belief that I could change my partner.
- Focusing on winning arguments rather than nurturing the marriage.
- Using anger and blame to distract from my own insecurities.
- Poorly communicating my vulnerabilities.
- Misjudging that adversity would bring us closer, leading to repeated misguided attempts to fix things.
Now that I’ve recognized these behavior patterns, I’m committed to working on myself—not only for my sake but also for my children. It’s a journey I wish I could have shared with my spouse, but I accept that I must navigate this path independently, with the support of the community I’ve built.
I have much to be grateful for and acknowledge my privilege as a soon-to-be single mother. Yet, I wouldn’t wish the heartache of divorce on anyone. In moments of doubt, I strive to embrace a life of authenticity, vulnerability, and kindness. My goal is to continue evolving as an individual, offering myself the same compassion I extend to others—and to let go.
For additional insights on self-insemination and family planning, check out this informative resource from Make A Mom. You can also explore more on pregnancy and home insemination at Progyny or read more about my journey in another post at Home Insemination Kit.
Summary
In the midst of a divorce during the pandemic, I navigated feelings of betrayal and anger while realizing the importance of self-reflection and accountability. By recognizing my behavior patterns, I began to focus on personal growth rather than seeking to “win” the divorce. As I move forward, I’m committed to letting go, embracing vulnerability, and fostering a brighter future for myself and my children.
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