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Relief is a profound and often unexpected emotion. While it’s commonly associated with easing anxiety or distress, it’s rarely linked to grief or loss. However, that was my reality after my mother’s passing in June—an experience that brought me comfort and a sense of happiness. The complexities of her life contributed to this unexpected feeling of relief.
My mother was a deeply troubled individual, grappling with mental health issues and addiction in her later years. She was also harsh and abusive, often expressing her frustrations in damaging ways. For 36 years, I endured her emotional manipulation and verbal attacks, and when she died, it felt like I could finally exhale.
Initially, I struggled with feelings of shame for my reaction. Who feels relief when a parent dies? To truly understand my feelings, one must consider the kind of life my mother led and the strained relationship we had.
Throughout my childhood, my mother battled undiagnosed depression, which cast a shadow over our lives. She often belittled me, making me feel worthless and inadequate. Her descent into alcoholism in her fifties only complicated our relationship further, making it a painful struggle.
Although I didn’t hate her, I despised the person she had become. I carried the weight of her addiction, feeling as though it was my duty to help her. So when I received the news that she was missing on June 24th, I was surprisingly calm. The thought of her possible death brought me a sense of liberation—both for her and for me.
I drove to her home with my partner, hoping to find her. As I climbed the stairs, I prepared myself for the worst, but not out of fear—rather, I felt a sense of peace at the thought that the turmoil might finally be over.
Make no mistake, I never wished for her death. Despite the relief I felt, I often find myself wishing she were still around, as it might have changed the course of our relationship. I mourn the memories we never created and grapple with feelings of guilt for not being able to save her.
Many people wrestle with similar emotions after the loss of a complicated loved one. It’s essential to recognize that feeling relief isn’t wrong; it’s a valid part of the grieving process. You’re not alone in these feelings, and it’s okay to acknowledge them.
If you’re navigating the loss of someone intricate and finding relief in the process, know that your feelings are legitimate. You aren’t bad or crazy; you’re simply human.
For more insights on navigating complex emotions, you can check out this resource. Additionally, if you’re exploring family-building options, our blog on home insemination might be helpful. You can also learn more about products for your journey at Cryobaby.
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