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Every day, I remind myself that today is a fresh start. That today, I will finally tackle the mountain of unwritten articles piling up for my various publications. That today, I will resist the urge to react intensely to headlines or to companies profiting from Asian culture while remaining silent about the ongoing violence against the Asian community—particularly in light of the Atlanta shootings.
Maybe today, I won’t have to suppress panic, grief, or anger, nor do I want to retreat from social media—even the group chats—because someone shared yet another painful story about anti-Asian racism or misogyny in an effort to keep us informed. Honestly, I’d prefer to stop being informed; I’m not okay.
I appreciate my friends for reaching out. Many of my friends, especially Black and Asian women, have checked in on me since the Atlanta shootings. I’m grateful for their support. In truth, they’ve been reaching out since the early signs of anti-Asian racism emerged when COVID-19 first made headlines.
When they ask how they can help or support me, I often find myself at a loss for words. I don’t need financial assistance, and I have products to promote. My support system is solid, and I have a network of friends.
On paper, I’m fine. A friend once said, “I am not in any imminent danger.” But sometimes, it feels like I am in imminent danger. Sometimes, it feels like this country wants to put me—and my mother and my children—in imminent danger. It’s not just me; it’s all people of color, women of color, and LGBTQIA+ individuals who feel this threat.
At times, we genuinely find ourselves in peril, and we only understand that when it’s too late.
I want to scream.
I struggle to communicate with my friends because there’s nothing they can do to fix this. It’s not a quick solution. As much as I value their check-ins and words of encouragement, they feel like a band-aid on a gaping wound. How do I articulate that everything needs to change? That none of us marginalized individuals will be safe until we dismantle white supremacy and eradicate patriarchy from our country?
Who can accomplish that in a day? Or even a year? If it were that simple, wouldn’t it have been done already? And how can I voice these concerns without directing them to resources? I have people asking where to learn about anti-Asian hate, Asian American history, and allyship between Asian and Black communities—good things, right? But I feel the weight of responsibility to provide resources because I possess platforms that others may not have access to—but I’m so exhausted.
I’m so incredibly tired.
I fear that the forces of white patriarchy want to crush me more than I can muster the courage to fight back against. I worry that their hatred is more powerful than my love because they are willing to do whatever it takes to overpower me—but I refuse to become a monster. (Or so I tell myself. I am not keen to explore whether that is truly the case.)
How am I supposed to convince you that I am worthy of existence?
This is why it’s so challenging to tell people how to help. It’s systemic, and I simply don’t have the energy to explain it all. I’m done justifying my humanity. I, along with my fellow Asian women and girls, are often seen as disposable. We aren’t safe, wanted, or even recognized as human. We live with fear when we should feel secure. We are blamed, exoticized, fetishized, and often disbelieved when we assert our right to exist.
I am not okay.
In many ways, I feel like a shattered glass waiting for just one more push to completely break apart.
I am filled with anger, sadness, fear. I am human.
And I’m not sorry.
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Summary:
In the wake of ongoing anti-Asian violence, many individuals feel a mix of anger, fear, and sadness. While friends and allies try to offer support, it often feels inadequate in the face of systemic issues. The struggle for recognition and safety is overwhelming, and the emotional toll can leave individuals feeling exhausted and shattered. This piece highlights the importance of understanding the complexities of these feelings and the need for genuine change.
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