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“Did you know that when Dad and I tie the knot, I’ll be your step-mum?” I caught the basketball he tossed my way and cradled it against my stomach, bending down to gauge his reaction. As a seven-year-old, I wasn’t sure how much my future stepson truly grasped. He had been playing pretend weddings with his toys and seemed enthusiastic, but it’s tough to read shy kids.
“Actually, you’ll be my only mum,” he responded softly.
Before I became a parent, I had always hoped for girls. It wasn’t that I would have been disappointed with a boy, but I was uncertain about how I would manage. I’m not particularly energetic, and the boys I knew were loud, active, and chaotic. The thought of handling that made me anxious. Would I be constantly scolding them and shooing them outside? I imagined myself in a corner, surrounded by broken furniture and muddy clothes. It was an irrational fear, but I couldn’t shake it. Having grown up with sisters, I felt more equipped to deal with girls. Eventually, I had my own children, and much to my relief, they were both girls.
When I began dating my partner a couple of years back, I knew he had a young son, which made me nervous. At first, we decided not to inform his son about our relationship; we wanted to ensure it was serious before involving the kids. Still, I sensed he was picking up on things. I’d catch him glancing at me sideways, as if he were trying to figure out why this unfamiliar woman was always around. I made a conscious effort to give them space for father-son bonding time while I was still adjusting to the idea of having a stepson. Yet, as our time together grew, I found myself wanting to earn his approval, and I began to think that raising boys might not be as daunting as I had imagined, even though I still felt out of my depth.
My stepson, instead of being loud and rambunctious, is the introspective, quiet type. He tends to be reserved, even with family. So when he finally let his guard down around me, I felt truly honored. One day at the pool, while my partner and his son were splashing around, my stepson swam over, wrapped his little arms around my neck, and whispered, “Let’s push Dad under! Don’t tell him!” His excitement was infectious, and I couldn’t help but melt. He was bringing me into his little scheme. Later that day, I excitedly shared what had happened with my partner.
“He’s finally warming up to you!” he said, his face lighting up. It had taken some time, but my stepson had decided I was okay after all.
I often contemplate whether my stepson was cautious around me because I represented a maternal figure. His birth mother transitioned to a man when he was very young, so he has no memory of what a traditional mum is like. For him, I am his only mum. Most of the time, my partner receives the Mother’s Day crafts and cards that come home from school. However, last year, I noticed that none came home. Perhaps the school has recognized that Mother’s and Father’s Days can be complicated for children in unique family situations.
When my stepson said, “You’ll be my only mum,” it struck me. I have no clue how to be a mother to a boy, but he has no real understanding of what a mum is either. His references for motherhood come from movies, TV shows, and the moms of friends I haven’t met. Sadly, the portrayals of mothers in films are often problematic. My daughters and I have joked about this; in many movies, mothers die early on. It’s become a running joke that whenever we watch something sad, we say, “The mother’s going to die.” This portrayal even led my youngest daughter to ask me one day, “When are you going to die, mummy?” She genuinely believed that young deaths were a fate all mothers faced. At least the mothers in films are usually depicted as kind and loving. If my stepson has seen films featuring stepmoms, he might have a completely different and perhaps frightening view of what mothers are like.
After two years of dating, my partner and I finally tied the knot a few months ago. My stepson was excited, though in his understated manner. I’ve learned to pick up on his subtle reactions. I could tell he was thrilled with his new “grown-up” shoes, just like his dad’s, and I knew he felt special being entrusted with the rings. We decided to have just our kids at the front with us during the ceremony. Our daughters served as bridesmaids and flower girls, while my stepson looked dapper beside his dad in a pinstriped vest and navy tie.
After the ceremony, as everyone enjoyed chocolate wedding cake and mingled, I found my stepson sitting quietly by himself at the front.
“You’re my son now,” I said, smiling. “My only son.”
He nodded in agreement.
“What does a stepmum do?” I asked, pulling a silly face. “Do I have to kick you and wipe boogers on you?” (This is always a favorite topic of his.) He chuckled and shook his head. “No! I do that to you!”
“Not at all!” I laughed and joined him on the floor. “What do only sons do? Do they make Mother’s Day cards?”
“I don’t know,” he replied.
“Me neither,” I said, and we sat in silence, watching the stage.
Three weeks after our wedding, we were having dinner together when my stepson suddenly said, “Oh, I should start calling you by your new name.”
“What name?” I asked, curious about what he might say.
“Mum, of course,” he replied matter-of-factly.
I guess together, we’ll discover what that truly means for us.
For more stories on navigating family dynamics, check out this other blog post. If you’re considering home insemination or need more information, Make A Mom is a great authority on the subject. Additionally, for those dealing with pregnancy-related questions, this resource on female infertility offers excellent support.
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In summary, my journey as a soon-to-be stepmom has been filled with unexpected joy and challenges. The bond I’m forming with my stepson is unique, and we are both learning what our roles mean to each other. With every shared laugh and moment, I feel more confident about this new chapter in our lives.
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