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In many conversations, there are subjects where I find myself lacking understanding or knowledge. Unlike some individuals who rush in with their assumptions, I prefer to listen and learn. While it’s natural to feel uncertain and uncomfortable when striving to grasp certain topics, such discomfort shouldn’t deter us from striving for improvement. I’m currently on a path to better understand disability and recognize my own biases regarding ableism. It’s important for me to engage in meaningful discussions with my children about individuals with disabilities and to answer their inquisitive questions. Fortunately, there are numerous advocates and individuals with disabilities who provide valuable insights and stories, leaving no excuse for those of us who wish to educate ourselves.
The first step for everyone is to embrace and respect the terminology that individuals prefer for themselves. Terms like “disabled” often carry stigma. For too long, society has marginalized those who don’t conform to the conventional image of “normal,” a pattern seen in various communities, including those who are fat, queer, or BIPOC. I identify as queer and have faced pushback from others who feel uncomfortable with that label, viewing it as negative. However, it’s a part of my identity and a means to connect with those who share similar experiences. Instead of confronting their biases, they expected me to alter my language for their comfort. True allyship requires respect and support for marginalized communities, and this principle applies to the term “disabled” as well.
As highlighted by the Neurodivergent Teacher, “Using euphemisms to discuss disability undermines the very real discrimination that disabled individuals face and the accessibility issues they continually advocate for. Your discomfort with terms like ‘disabled’ is irrelevant if you are nondisabled.” This sentiment is echoed in the work of Emily Harper, a writer and disability advocate, in her book Understanding Disability. She emphasizes that terms like “special needs” or “differently abled” often stem from discomfort and ultimately lack meaning, as everyone has different needs and abilities. With approximately 15 percent of the global population identifying as disabled, they represent the largest minority group worldwide. Harper’s guide encourages thoughtful engagement and efforts to create a more inclusive world for disabled individuals.
When discussing allyship, Harper states, “Allyship is rooted in meaningful actions. Parents who aren’t disabled can certainly support the disability community by learning from disabled individuals and ensuring their children do the same.”
It’s crucial to allow children to ask questions. Their natural curiosity means that as adults, we must respond positively, fostering open dialogue without shame or negativity towards the disabled community. If a child points out a disabled person and asks, “What’s wrong with them?” it’s essential to redirect that question respectfully. One might say, “It seems that person has a disability, but that doesn’t mean there’s anything wrong with them; it’s simply part of who they are.” If a question arises that you can’t answer, be honest about it and take the opportunity to learn together.
Sammy Brooks, a writer and parent of two with a chronic condition, suggests affirming children’s observations while gauging the feelings of the disabled individual. “Many disabled individuals are willing to discuss their experiences with curious kids, but it’s important not to put them on the spot. A parent’s awkwardness can render disabled people invisible.” Adults often avoid eye contact or interaction due to fear of saying the wrong thing, which is not only dehumanizing but counterproductive.
Don’t wait for your child—or yourself—to encounter a disabled person before considering the spaces we occupy and their accessibility. Reflect on whether a given space accommodates everyone: Who is present, and why? Brooks reminds us that while ramps are accessible to all, stairs only serve some. If space constraints exist, why prioritize stairs over ramps? We must strive to ensure that everyone has equal access to opportunities.
Brooks recommends reading The Fish Who Didn’t Fit In by Lily Adams with children. This children’s book illustrates the consequences of exclusion based on arbitrary standards, emphasizing the importance of inclusion.
Disabled individuals don’t need us to speak on their behalf or modify their feelings. They shouldn’t have to validate their existence or the consequences of others’ well-meaning intentions. Our role is to listen, learn, and improve. Discomfort can often lead to ego-driven reactions, but to be the allies we aspire to be, we must confront that discomfort to create a more inclusive world.
Harper concludes, “We exist in a society that has conditioned us to feel uneasy about our differences, so it’s an ongoing effort to counter that mindset.”
For further insights, check out this related article on our blog.
Summary
This article emphasizes the importance of understanding and respecting the language used to describe disability, advocating for open dialogue about disability, and promoting inclusivity in society. It encourages parents to model respectful behavior for their children and highlights resources that can assist in this learning journey.
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