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Updated: April 7, 2021
Originally Published: April 6, 2021
My son was just a year and a half old when I first suspected he might be autistic. From the moment he was born, I noticed that he was different from his older brother. It wasn’t until later that I recognized those differences as autism. His unique presentation made it challenging to get the professionals to evaluate him, but just before his third birthday, we received the diagnosis I had always believed in.
Our son is autistic. Turns out, I knew him better than anyone else. I felt a sense of pride for advocating for him, but when we finally had the diagnosis, I underwent a significant emotional shift. However, it wasn’t for the reasons you might expect.
I wasn’t mourning the child I wished for; Walker, in all his uniqueness, is the child I have always known and loved. I wasn’t dwelling on what his future might hold; he will forge his own path, just like any other child.
Instead, I was overwhelmed by my own lack of knowledge. I had no idea what he would require, and I questioned whether I was equipped to raise a neurodivergent child. I worried he deserved a mom who could organize appointments with meticulous detail, maintain a spotless home, and provide a curated space filled with developmental toys and resources. Instead, he got me—a chaotic mom with a house full of action figures and frozen dinners. He was stuck with the mom who once sent her older child to preschool in a dinosaur costume because I forgot it was a themed day.
I couldn’t provide everything he might need, but I could offer him endless love and a commitment to learn and support him. Would that be enough?
Since then, I have been diligent about sourcing information regarding autism. I was astonished to learn how many insightful experiences autistic adults are willing to share. Their willingness to advocate for autistic children has been one of the most eye-opening aspects of my journey. Much of what I’ve learned about Walker has come from autistic adults, and had I known they would be there to guide me, I might have felt less anxious.
Recently, a follower asked a public figure how she would manage if her son was diagnosed with autism, similar to her husband. Her response struck a chord with me: “I don’t see being on the spectrum as a negative thing. My husband is my favorite person ever; he’s kind, hilarious, and talented. Should I wish my son wasn’t like that?” YES! Thank you for that perspective. The spectrum is filled with remarkable and creative individuals who enrich our world in ways that might never have been conceived by neurotypical minds. Some of history’s most brilliant thinkers may have been autistic. If society could move beyond the notion that different equates to lesser, we could better accommodate autistic individuals and appreciate their invaluable contributions.
When I mention that Walker is autistic, I often encounter pity. PITY. Can you believe it? “Oh, I’m sorry. He seems so typical to me!” First of all, he is typical. What does typical even mean? He is exactly who he is meant to be. Secondly, that’s not a compliment; Walker is under no obligation to fit a mold. And lastly, keep your pity! I am privileged to raise the funniest, most delightful, and brilliant child. He deserves to thrive in an environment where he is celebrated for all his unique qualities, not forced to conform to societal norms designed for neurotypical people.
I do face challenges with his little boy antics and could use some strategies for managing the mud, grass, and bugs he brings into the house. If anyone has tips on providing a healthy dose of caution for my sons, I’m all ears. But I have never needed help coping with Walker’s diagnosis. I thought I needed to provide him with countless resources for success, but what he truly needs is time, space, and the freedom to express himself in his own way. I have plenty of that!
What we share is a joy. He is allowed to flourish at his own pace, and I get to witness the unfolding of his personality. He continually amazes me with his wit and intelligence.
I recognize that autism presents differently in each individual. The spectrum is vast, and my son does not represent every autistic person. Some parents may experience feelings of loss upon learning their child is autistic. This doesn’t make them bad parents; they might be influenced by organizations that portray autism in a bleak light. They may simply be uninformed about autism, and what they do know may be sensationalized. I understand it can be complicated.
For me, there was nothing to cope with except my own self-doubt. Once I realized that I could be the mom my son needs, I began to genuinely learn. There was no burden to bear, only the honor of raising a child who teaches me as much as I hope to teach him.
For more insights into parenting and autism, check out this other blog post here. Additionally, if you are interested in home insemination and pregnancy resources, visit Make a Mom. For scientific information on fertility, Science Daily provides excellent resources.
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In summary, my journey as a parent of an autistic child has taught me that there is no need for pity—only celebration of individuality, joy in the learning process, and the privilege of being a part of my son’s unique journey.
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