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I was three hours away from home when I received the message from my 16-year-old daughter. “I think I’m going to that party tonight,” she texted. “And I might drink.”
Panic set in. I was at a rustic retreat in the Santa Cruz mountains with friends, just finishing dinner before heading back to our cabins. My husband was out for the evening, so I couldn’t ask him to keep Lily confined to her room. We had discussed the party and the alcohol that would likely be there about a week before my trip, but I had conveniently pushed it from my mind until now.
It’s a given that teens may experiment with substances like alcohol. Many come through it unscathed. However, since the moment I found out I was pregnant with Lily, my only child, I promised myself I would do everything possible to keep her away from alcohol—ideally forever. If that was unrealistic, I figured 21 was a more reasonable target. At least by then, her brain would be more developed, and hopefully, she’d have better impulse control.
You might think I’m an overprotective mom, and you’d be right. But my concerns about my teenage daughter’s drinking stem from a deeper place: both my husband and I are recovering alcoholics. Despite being sober for many years, alcoholism is prevalent in our families. The fear that my child might inherit this tendency made me delay motherhood until later in life. While I was overjoyed when Lily was born, I constantly worried that along with her brown eyes, she also inherited our tendency towards alcohol abuse.
I had my first drink at 13—more like got completely wasted for the first time. Alcohol became my escape from anxiety, and by the time I was Lily’s age, getting blackout drunk was a weekend norm. I would wake up in strange places, confused and embarrassed. After high school, while my friends pursued their dreams, I faced a series of DUIs and failed relationships.
For a long time, I believed that scaring Lily into not drinking was the best approach to keep her safe. My talks about the dangers of alcohol seemed effective when she was younger. She would listen to my rants and promise to never drink. But then came high school. When the allure of drinking caught her two best friends, Lily echoed my “alcohol is terrible” mantra, and they ended their friendship. Eventually, she made new friends in her school’s drama program, and I was proud of her for turning down alcohol at social gatherings. But then she began to feel like an outsider.
One evening, as she prepared to go out with friends, I launched into my usual warnings. This time, Lily snapped. “I’ve only been saying I wouldn’t drink because you brainwashed me! I don’t want to get drunk, but I might want to have a drink when everyone else does.”
She reminded me that she is a trustworthy kid. She could easily have been sneaking drinks and lying about it like some of her peers. And she was right. While we may not agree on everything, our strong bond meant we talked openly about subjects—drinking, boys, school, and more. I realized how fortunate I was to have this connection with her during an age when many kids start to distance themselves from their parents.
As much as I wish there was no teenage drinking, it exists. I didn’t want to risk alienating Lily with my rigid views. I had to let go of the fear of her becoming like me and allow her to be herself. Perhaps giving her the space to make her own choices regarding alcohol, as terrifying as it was, would be healthier for both of us.
Back at the retreat, I responded to her text: “I prefer if you don’t drink, but I’m glad you told me. Call me.”
Despite the poor reception, we worked out a plan. I set a strict curfew of 11:30 p.m. and insisted she only get a ride with her friend’s dad. I reminded her to pace herself and avoid shots or drinks from strangers. Before we hung up, I assured her I would check in throughout the night and expected her to respond promptly.
As it turned out, Lily reached out first. “I think I’m tipsy,” she texted.
I took a deep breath and reminded myself that Lily isn’t me. “How does it feel?” I replied.
“Kind of good, I guess. Not that exciting, really.”
The tension in my shoulders eased.
A year has passed since that night. Lily occasionally attends parties, but now she decides in advance whether she will drink. She’s realized that even a few sips make her feel lightheaded, which is more than enough for her. Unlike my teenage years, she often opts out of drinking altogether. She has never been drunk, come home late, or ridden with a drunk driver.
We both understand that this could change in the future. College and young adulthood are approaching, and the opportunities for binge drinking loom large. That thought frightens me. However, if alcohol ever begins to negatively affect her life, she knows she can come to me for support.
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If you want to read more about parenting challenges, you can find related posts here:
- How to Talk to Teens About Drinking
- Understanding Teenage Behavior
- Building Trust with Your Teen
- Navigating Social Situations with Teens
- Preparing for College Life
Summary:
In this heartfelt narrative, a mother reflects on her journey of parenting a teenager who is beginning to encounter the world of alcohol. While grappling with her own past as a recovering alcoholic, she navigates the complex emotions of wanting to protect her daughter while also allowing her the freedom to make her own choices. Through open communication and mutual trust, they both learn valuable lessons about responsibility and the realities of teenage life.
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