The Day I Considered Ending My Marriage

I found myself contemplating the end of my marriage today. But don’t fret—we’re currently snuggled up on the couch together. Still, the frustration I felt this morning was intense. Last night, my husband volunteered to take our kids to school, which I appreciated. However, it would have been even better if he hadn’t stood at the door, sighing and rolling his eyes while they took their time with breakfast and getting ready. As he drove off, I couldn’t help but mutter, “Your help just hurts.”

After dropping the kids off, we exchanged a series of heated texts, followed by a conciliatory call. Ultimately, we agreed to continue extending grace to one another, especially considering the challenges we’ve faced in the past year. The pandemic has been tough on us individually, and while managing our children’s needs, it has also impacted our relationship.

After 16 years of marriage, two doctorates, substantial student debt, and a high-needs child, we thought we were resilient. Yet, the past year revealed how challenging it can be to be together constantly, maintain our romantic connection, and not let the stress of an unpredictable global crisis drive us apart.

I’ve noticed that many moms in my pediatrics practice share similar feelings towards their partners. We’re all eager for this pandemic to end—along with the heightened conflicts that often accompany it. I know that once this is over, our relationships will likely improve. But I don’t want to wait indefinitely for that to happen. Fortunately, we don’t have to.

I’ve learned from other moms who have successfully navigated ups and downs that there are several key principles to fostering a healthy parenting partnership to prevent days like today from becoming too frequent:

1. Forget the Fifty-Fifty Mentality

Don’t strive for an unrealistic fifty-fifty split in responsibilities. Duties are rarely evenly distributed. You might handle 90% of the laundry while your partner manages only 10% of cooking. It’s crucial that you both share the load in a way that feels balanced, without one person consistently bearing the brunt.

2. Communicate the Mental Load

Your partner isn’t a mind reader. Make it a habit to sit down together and outline your respective responsibilities. Discuss what needs to be done and express when you’re feeling overwhelmed. Setting up regular family meetings can help keep both partners informed and engaged.

3. Assign Tasks Based on Practicality

Consider logistics when dividing tasks—who has time to do what? For example, if one parent is a breadwinner or has a busier schedule, the other may need to take on more child-related responsibilities. If you’re a new mom breastfeeding, for instance, you could take on feeding while your partner focuses on soothing the baby.

4. Utilize Shared Language

Frame your discussions in ways that resonate with both of you. If you’re both business-minded, you might say, “Let’s strategize how to tackle Leah’s school year.” If sports are your common interest, you could frame it as, “Which part of the team can you take charge of this month?”

5. Leverage Technology

There are numerous tools available today—shared calendars, communication apps, and online planners. Utilizing these can enhance accountability and ensure both partners are aware of household commitments.

6. Let Small Things Slide

Sometimes, you’ll need to overlook minor annoyances like eye rolls or sighs when assigning tasks to your partner. It’s important to express your needs while also allowing space for your partner to manage their responsibilities.

7. Show Compassion to Each Other

We all bring stress into our relationships. Approaching your partner with empathy can lead to fewer conflicts and a more harmonious dynamic.

8. Step Back

Micromanaging can create resentment. Trust your partner to take charge of parenting without your constant oversight. This independence can foster greater involvement and investment in your shared responsibilities.

I recognize that I don’t always practice these strategies perfectly myself. My husband sometimes feels like he’s “helping” instead of co-parenting, while I might struggle to relinquish control. However, we’re committed to navigating these challenges together, regardless of the societal expectations surrounding gender roles in parenting.

For more insights on family dynamics and parenting during challenging times, check out our related posts on IVF costs at this blog and the expert guidance from Make a Mom. Additionally, for more comprehensive information on insemination methods, Healthline provides excellent resources.

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In summary, while the pandemic has tested many relationships, implementing effective communication and shared responsibilities can significantly improve partnership dynamics. By fostering understanding and cooperation, couples can navigate the complexities of parenting more successfully.