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Recently, I’ve had a profound realization about the value of life and the love of family. In the midst of the pandemic, I often felt lucky to be here, cherishing each day spent with my loved ones.
When news of COVID-19 escalated, I found myself gripped by fear. The reports were alarming, and the statistics on potential fatalities were daunting. I remember telling my partner, Mark, that I was afraid I would lose many people close to me. Unfortunately, that fear has been a reality for many. Thankfully, most of my loved ones have remained safe, and those who contracted the virus did not require hospitalization.
About a month ago, I learned of a professional acquaintance who had been hospitalized due to COVID-19. Despite not knowing him well, it was devastating to see his health decline. I discovered he had passed away while I was busy with a mundane task: waiting in line for takeout after taking my child to their first ice skating lesson. The news hit me hard, especially thinking of his young grandchildren.
Later that evening, as Mark and I prepared for bed, he casually mentioned a strange smell. I couldn’t detect anything, and that’s when it hit me—I couldn’t smell anything at all. While I wasn’t feeling unwell, I decided to schedule a COVID test first thing in the morning. My anxiety kicked in, and I began to consider what preparations I needed to make in case my health took a turn for the worse. It was a sobering moment, realizing I had certain affairs in order but not others.
My thoughts wandered to my mother, who battled cancer and passed away not long ago. I regretted not having the emotional maturity to discuss her fears with her, leaving me without firsthand knowledge of what it’s like to confront the possibility of death.
Fortunately, although my COVID test came back positive, I experienced only mild symptoms and was able to work from home, safely quarantined with my family.
A week later, a college friend of mine posted on social media that he had been hospitalized with COVID-19. Initially, he seemed to be improving, but soon his posts turned grim, and he expressed his fear of dying. Tragically, I learned the next morning that he had passed away. We had not spoken in years, yet social media had maintained a semblance of connection. His sudden loss resonated deeply, especially since we were both in our late 40s and had been diagnosed with the same illness. I felt a strange sense of being spared.
Days after his death, I received a call from an unknown number. It turned out to be a colleague of my therapist, delivering the shocking news that he had passed away unexpectedly. The depth of my bond with him was complicated; while we shared intimate conversations, I knew little about his personal life. As a fellow therapist, I understood the boundaries he had to maintain, yet the loss felt significant.
This experience has stirred a whirlwind of emotions and fears about what would happen if I were to pass away. As a mother with a young child, the thought of them receiving such devastating news is unbearable. My mind often drifts into anxiety-riddled scenarios, especially since becoming a parent.
It seems that since I became a mother, my worries about loss have intensified. We bear the responsibility of ensuring our child’s well-being, which requires us to expend tremendous energy to keep them safe and loved.
Perhaps the best way to cope with these fears is to prepare for the inevitable, easing the burden on those we leave behind. This preparation involves not only practical steps to ensure our loved ones are taken care of but also having difficult conversations about our fears and mortality.
For further insights on navigating these discussions and preparing for the future, you might find this post on home insemination relevant. Additionally, if you’re exploring resources on pregnancy and home insemination, Progyny provides excellent information. If you’re interested in fertility options, check out this at-home intracervical insemination syringe kit for guidance.
Summary
Reflecting on my journey through COVID-19 has led me to appreciate life and family more deeply. The losses I’ve witnessed have prompted me to confront my own fears about mortality and the well-being of my loved ones. Preparing for the inevitable while fostering open conversations about our fears can help ease the burden on those we care about.
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