The Importance of Calling My Spouse ‘Wife’

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My partner once confronted me during a visit to my office: “Why don’t you have a photo of us on your desk?” I glanced around, realizing that the only image on display was of our three children. There was no picture of her. She continued, “I have one of you on my desk.” She had a point; I was missing an opportunity to showcase our relationship. It wasn’t that I didn’t care for her or want to talk about our life together, but rather, I was hesitant to answer questions about my marriage in a work setting.

That conversation made me recognize the significance of publicly acknowledging our partnership. It’s a shared experience for many same-sex couples—we often find ourselves coming out repeatedly, whether at social events or when filling out forms related to our children. We need to affirm our identities and label each other as wives.

When same-sex marriage became legal in the United States in 2015, my spouse and I had already been living as a married couple under a civil union. As demographer Gary Gates noted, those who opposed marriage equality underestimated the desire for marriage among same-sex couples. The growth in marriages post-legalization clearly showed that we wanted the same rights and recognition as heterosexual couples, including the ability to call each other “wife.”

Coming out is a familiar experience for many in the queer community. We each have our own stories from our teenage years or college days, and sometimes we share these narratives to support others or to reflect on our journeys. When I married in 2011, we were fortunate that our union was recognized legally and socially. Our relationship mirrors that of any other couple—we argue, love, and worry about our kids. Over time, I had grown comfortable referring to her as my “partner,” but that term feels vague.

She is my wife. I need to use that term. “Partner” can downplay the depth of our relationship. It was once a safety net in public situations where I wasn’t sure how people would react. In navigating the complexities of being queer, we often choose our words carefully to protect ourselves emotionally and physically.

In the U.S., over a million households identify as same-sex couples, with a significant portion being married. Understanding and respecting how individuals identify is crucial to building connections within the community. How I refer to my wife publicly matters; it signifies our bond.

When I say “wife,” there’s no ambiguity about our relationship. We are part of a larger community of approximately 11.3 million people in the U.S. who identify as gay, lesbian, or transgender. We live in a constant state of coming out, striving to educate others about the validity of our love and commitment.

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In summary, using the term “wife” is essential for me. It affirms our love and commitment and helps others understand the significance of our relationship. It’s a small but powerful way to combat the stereotypes and misconceptions about same-sex marriages.


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