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As the #MeToo movement began gaining momentum, I found myself immersed in the world of journalism, surrounded by countless stories of brave women who were finally speaking out against their abusers. Whether they had endured a single incident or years of trauma, these women found the courage to share their experiences, emphasizing that it was okay to come forward.
However, as I wrote and navigated these stories, I felt a growing conflict within myself. Many of the narratives I encountered triggered feelings of anxiety and panic. I couldn’t fully grasp why these emotions overwhelmed me, but they echoed deep-seated memories I had tried to suppress.
I began to recall a troubling memory involving a young girl who, after a night of drinking with friends, found herself alone with a man who took advantage of her vulnerability. This recollection ignited a fire within me, causing my stomach to churn.
Throughout my life, I’ve been adept at blocking out painful experiences. Having faced emotional trauma during my childhood, my mind often painted those memories over in darkness to protect me from reliving the pain. My therapist has referred to this as a “PTSD coping mechanism,” a way for my brain to shield me from the hurtful repetition of traumatic events.
One such memory was my sexual assault. For years, I instinctively tried to erase this experience from my mind. I repeatedly told myself it wasn’t “real” sexual assault, blaming myself for my choices, the alcohol, and even the outfit I had worn that night. I learned that victim-blaming is more common than I had realized, with many victims reluctant to report assaults due to the trauma of reliving those moments. Deep down, I felt similarly.
At the time, I didn’t even recognize what had happened as sexual assault because we hadn’t had intercourse. As a teenager, I was under the misconception that sexual assault was synonymous with rape. My understanding of consent was limited, and I didn’t grasp that any non-consensual sexual act qualifies as assault.
What I thought was a trivial mistake turned out to be a traumatic experience. I recall being at a friend’s house with others, drinking and playing games. The night quickly became hazy, and the memory is fragmented due to my trauma response. Yet, I vividly remember being pinned down by a man much larger than me, struggling against his weight. I recall feeling his hands on my body in ways I didn’t want, screaming for help, only to find that none of my friends came to assist me.
When I confided in them afterward, I was met with blame rather than support. I was told I should have “just gone along with it” and that I ruined the night. This response isolated me further, and I found myself excluded from future outings.
It took nearly ten years for me to accept that what happened to me was indeed sexual assault. I had to work through my feelings of guilt and shame, realizing I had done nothing wrong. I learned that the situation was not my fault and that my “no” should have been respected.
It took me years to recognize that those who I thought were friends were not truly supportive. I eventually came to understand that it’s not just the perpetrator who carries responsibility, but also those who enable such behavior. The awareness that the man who assaulted me likely received validation from his peers was a painful realization.
Finally, I acknowledged that I was a victim of sexual assault and that the trauma of that experience continues to affect my relationships and my self-image today.
If you’re navigating a similar journey, I encourage you to explore more resources about healing and understanding your experiences. For further insights into family planning and home insemination, check out this informative post. Additionally, if you’re looking for expert advice on your fertility journey, visit this helpful site. You may also find valuable information about intrauterine insemination at this excellent resource.
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Summary:
It took nearly a decade for me to come to terms with my experience of sexual assault. Initially, I struggled to recognize it as such, blaming myself and feeling unsupported by those around me. Through years of reflection and healing, I learned the importance of acknowledging my trauma and understanding consent. My journey has highlighted the need for awareness and support for survivors, and I hope to encourage others facing similar struggles to seek help and validation.
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