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A few years back, I collaborated with a male coworker—someone who had a good reputation and was often labeled a “nice guy.” During a brainstorming session, he struggled to accept feedback and his response was curt and dismissive. I found myself apologizing, while he did not. On another occasion, when I pointed out inaccuracies made by a different male colleague, he reacted with hostility and publicly belittled me. Again, I offered an apology, and he did not.
We can argue whether my apologies were warranted, but that’s beside the point. The real issue was that my male colleagues felt no need to apologize.
There’s a plethora of advice directed at women, much of which is misguided. The most prominent piece of advice? Stop apologizing.
Cindy Gallop and Tomas Chamorro-Premuzic noted in the Harvard Business Review that women are frequently advised to alter their communication style—to be less apologetic and more assertive. The list of things to avoid is extensive: Don’t say “just.” Don’t ask for permission. Don’t second-guess yourself. And whatever you do, DO NOT apologize.
This trend has gained traction over the years. Initially, it seemed to have some merit. Why was I saying “sorry” for not having received an email? Why did I feel I needed to apologize for a scheduling conflict? Did I really have to say “I’m sorry” when a colleague didn’t grasp the context of a conversation due to their own oversight? Ultimately, I didn’t. Yet, the advice—almost exclusively aimed at women—felt off. What harm do a few unnecessary “I’m sorry”s do? Are they genuinely hindering my progress? Hardly.
When Rachel Hollis—yes, the same Rachel Hollis who refuses to apologize for anything—released her book Girl, Stop Apologizing, the reality of the trend became evident. This isn’t about empowering women; it’s about silencing them.
While those “I’m sorry”s may seem superfluous, they can contribute to a kinder and more respectful atmosphere. In fact, we should advocate for more apologies, not fewer. As Gallop and Chamorro-Premuzic pointed out, “The world would be a much better place, and the workplace a great deal happier, if instead of telling women to say sorry less, we told men to say sorry a whole lot more.”
Apologies—even the unnecessary ones—can diffuse tension, reduce defensiveness, and demonstrate humility. Dr. Deborah Tannen, a linguistics professor at Georgetown University, expressed that apologizing is an integral part of our language.
She explained, “Asking people to stop apologizing is like asking them to stop saying hello and goodbye. Those kinds of automatic courtesies are what make it possible to live together.” The real question is not whether women over-apologize but whether men under-apologize.
Gallop and Chamorro-Premuzic pointed out that many organizational and societal issues—like corruption, bullying, and toxic leadership—stem from our inability to hold powerful men accountable, yet we continually focus on censoring women.
When the #stopapologizing movement gained momentum a few years ago, I began to monitor my own behavior, eliminating those unnecessary apologies from my emails. I refrained from apologizing for misunderstandings when I was not at fault. And what was the result? Nothing beneficial. I wasn’t perceived as more assertive; men didn’t start owning their mistakes. I didn’t receive promotions or garner more respect. Instead, I felt worse, constantly second-guessing my words and feeling unnatural.
Let me clarify: I’m not suggesting that women who are assertive or avoid unnecessary apologies are wrong. Not at all. The issue lies with men who fail to apologize enough.
There’s a troubling trend of censoring women under the guise of empowerment. True empowerment means women can be themselves, respected even when they apologize or defer to others. Women shouldn’t have to second-guess their every word or action. They deserve respect—end of story.
Let’s abandon this toxic advice. As stated in the Harvard Business Review, “A better piece of advice for women? Speak freely and speak in any way that you like.”
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In summary, the focus should shift from urging women to change their behavior to encouraging men to take responsibility for their actions. A culture that fosters respectful communication and accountability will benefit everyone.
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