If You Want to Be a True LGBTQIA+ Ally, Ditch the ‘Buts’ and Show Up

Many people describe themselves as allies to the LGBTQIA+ community when they believe they are open-minded and accepting. While not harboring negative feelings towards queer individuals or sporting rainbow merchandise during Pride month are positive gestures, true allyship extends beyond simply declaring that “Love Is Love.” LGBTQIA+ rights encompass a wide range of issues, not just marriage equality or bakery disputes. Being an ally involves actively embracing, supporting, and advocating for all sexualities, gender identities, and expressions—even those you may not fully understand. Unfortunately, some who label themselves as allies often add “buts,” “what abouts,” and “ifs” to their claims of support, seeking to avoid discomfort or challenge their own beliefs.

Being a genuine ally often requires sacrifices, such as skipping your favorite fast-food restaurant, distancing yourself from friends or businesses that are not supportive, or leaving a church that does not accept queer individuals. It means unlearning biases instead of brushing over them and ceasing to invalidate queer experiences by prioritizing intent over impact.

Embracing the Full Spectrum of the Queer Community

To truly foster acceptance and change, you must embrace the full spectrum of the queer community. You cannot ask queer individuals to minimize their gender expression or dismiss queer youth’s identities as mere phases. Turning away from aspects that challenge your comfort levels or clash with your beliefs—whether rooted in stereotypes, religion, or misconceptions—is not allyship.

Real allyship centers on the experiences of queer individuals, devoid of playing devil’s advocate or overlooking the prejudices that inhibit personal growth. Unlike queer people, who do not have the privilege of choosing their levels of comfort in a heteronormative world, allies can choose to confront discomfort.

The Challenges of True Allyship

True allyship can be confrontational and uncomfortable, but those who wish to be recognized as allies must be willing to change. The burden of making you look good does not fall on queer individuals. We deserve unconditional love and support, and if you cannot provide that, then you are not a true ally. We should not have to wait for you to feel ready to address your ignorance or challenge your beliefs; we need you to engage in the difficult work of listening and dismantling preconceived notions.

Saying things like “I love the sinner but hate the sin” regarding queer individuals and faith is not allyship. Allowing discussions that prioritize “what about my beliefs”—which undermine the rights and experiences of LGBTQIA+ folks—is also not allyship. Expressing love for gay individuals while being uncomfortable with their public displays of affection is not allyship. Declaring that #translivesmatter but refusing to acknowledge gender-neutral pronouns is not allyship.

Bragging about being an ally while supporting openly anti-queer establishments is not allyship. Claiming to support the LGBTQIA+ community but wishing we could be more discreet is not allyship. Telling someone you support the LGBTQIA+ community while asserting that transgender youth are too young to transition and access gender-affirming care is not allyship.

The Need for Unconditional Support

As a queer nonbinary individual raising children—one of whom is transgender—in a country that is often unsafe for queer families, I shouldn’t feel grateful to live in a state without anti-trans legislation that endangers transgender youth. Everyone deserves safety and acceptance, and we should not have to relocate to find it. We need allies who can support us unconditionally, without the caveats of “buts,” “ifs,” or “what abouts.” Allies cannot prioritize their comfort while we fight for our lives.

While it’s true that homophobic and transphobic individuals will always exist, many can be swayed through education, correction, and exposure to queer stories. That’s where allies come in. You have the privilege to be an emotional and physical shield for those who need guidance and support to embrace queer acceptance.

The Role of Allies

This may seem like a lot to ask of cisgender heterosexual allies, but your privilege allows you to engage in this work without the same risks that queer individuals face when defending themselves. The queer community is diverse and cannot be reduced to the stereotypical image of a funny gay couple on a sitcom. Queerness transcends binary notions of gender. Not all transgender individuals wish to “pass” as cisgender, nor should they feel obliged to for your comfort. Gender expression is vibrant and diverse, and religion can coexist with queerness in affirming ways. It is the responsibility of allies to uphold these truths in every aspect of their lives so that queer individuals can navigate safe and inclusive spaces.

Conclusion

To summarize, being a true ally to the LGBTQIA+ community requires a commitment to unconditional support and a willingness to confront personal discomfort. It necessitates active engagement and the dismantling of harmful beliefs and biases, ensuring that the voices and experiences of queer individuals are centered without conditions or caveats.