Was It My Fault?

Parenting & Support for Survivors

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In recent events surrounding the Steubenville incident, I have observed the media’s portrayal of the situation with great concern. Young men, who participated in a heinous crime, were shown shedding tears over their futures, while the victim faced unjust blame for her condition that night. It is heartbreaking that, rather than assisting her, those present chose to mock her, take photos, and subsequently threaten her. The ongoing victim-blaming is unacceptable. Rape is a serious crime, and it is essential to emphasize: it is never the victim’s fault. We need to foster an environment where accountability is prioritized, not misplaced.

As a mother of three daughters, I feel a deep concern. I want them to make wise choices, but I also wish for a community that supports and protects one another. I hope they become individuals who stand up for friends and even strangers in need. Regardless of their decisions, whether attending parties or dances, they must understand: NO ONE has the right to violate them. It is not their fault. It will never be their fault.

Reflecting on my own past, I remember being 17 years old, a cheerleader in a small town. I enjoyed socializing and frequently found myself at parties. I often drank too much, thinking it was harmless fun. I dated boys whom I believed were genuinely interested in me, but in truth, they were not. I thought I had meaningful relationships, and sometimes I engaged in intimacy with those I liked.

One fateful evening, at a party, I had sexual relations with someone I believed was my boyfriend. As the night progressed, he left the room, and when he returned, I mistakenly thought it was him. In the darkness, I grabbed for his hair, only to realize it was not him at all. I screamed and fought back, but he overpowered me and assaulted me. That night, he even invited others to join in. I was young, intoxicated, and confused. None of this was my fault.

It took me many years to understand that I was not to blame for what happened. The shame and ridicule I faced left me feeling isolated and broken, but it was not my fault. I refuse to accept the narrative that has been imposed upon me and so many others. This kind of victim-blaming must stop.

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In summary, we must collectively strive to create a society that supports victims rather than blaming them. It is crucial to educate ourselves and our children on the importance of consent and protection. Everyone deserves a safe environment free from violence and shame.