How to Respond to the Question, “Is That a Boy or a Girl?”

As a nonbinary trans masculine individual with an androgynous appearance, I frequently encounter misgendering. While adults often make assumptions, children tend to directly ask if I’m a boy or a girl, often in front of their parents or other adults who may feel uncomfortable. It’s common for adults to react with embarrassment, trying to hush their child instead of addressing the inquiry. Although I identify as neither a boy nor a girl and use they/them pronouns, I sometimes find myself unprepared to engage in these conversations, leaving everyone without a learning opportunity.

Don’t Blame Your Child for Their Curiosity

Parents often seek guidance on how to handle their children’s questions about gender. However, it’s not the responsibility of individuals to answer questions about their gender identity. Shushing or shaming a child’s curiosity is counterproductive; it’s essential for adults to educate children about the spectrum of gender and expression. This way, kids won’t feel the need to categorize others into binary gender roles.

Respect Personal Identity

First and foremost, no one is entitled to know another person’s gender identity. If someone chooses not to answer, it’s important to respect their choice and move forward. Rather than making assumptions about gender, you can use gender-neutral pronouns like they/them until you have more information. This approach is already a natural part of language. For example, if you come across a lost water bottle at the park, you might think, “I hope they come back for it.” You’re already applying they/them pronouns without realizing it.

Does Gender Matter?

When faced with questions about someone’s gender, it’s worth considering why it matters. Often, people seek labels for their own comfort and make assumptions based on those labels. However, these labels are less significant than the respect we owe each individual.

Embrace the Diversity of Gender

Recognizing that gender expression varies widely is crucial. People express their gender through clothing, hairstyles, and more, while their internal identity can range from strictly female to strictly male, or even neither. Assumptions based on appearance can lead to misidentification, so it’s essential to become comfortable with uncertainty regarding someone’s gender identity.

Trust People and Their Choices

One experience I had in a public restroom highlighted the importance of trust. Upon entering, a child questioned whether we were in the girls’ bathroom, thinking I was a boy. The adult accompanying the child calmly reassured them, stating, “I know we’re in the right spot and I trust that person knows they are in the right spot too.” This open-minded attitude taught the child an important lesson about acceptance.

“I Don’t Know, But We Shouldn’t Assume”

When your child asks if someone is a boy or a girl, it’s perfectly acceptable to respond, “I’m not sure. There are many ways to identify, and we should be respectful.” Encourage them to introduce themselves, sharing their own pronouns to create a comfortable space for others to express their identities if they choose.

To further reduce the urge to categorize individuals, engage in discussions and read literature that challenge traditional gender stereotypes—this will help your child understand that nonbinary, genderfluid, and genderqueer individuals are valid and deserving of respect.

For more insights on gender identity, check out this blog post. And if you’re exploring the topic of home insemination, Make A Mom provides valuable information. Additionally, UCSF’s fertility resource is an excellent tool for understanding pregnancy and the home insemination process.

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In summary, addressing the question of gender identity in children should focus on fostering understanding and curiosity rather than enforcing binary classifications. Parents can guide their children to respect individual identities and encourage open dialogue about gender diversity.