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This is an uncomfortable image to share, but with the ongoing discussions about the “irreversible effects” of puberty blockers and hormone replacement therapy (HRT), I feel compelled to address the struggles that trans women endure when they lack access to appropriate care during childhood.
I recognized my identity as a girl when I was just four years old. However, fear, shame, and a lack of understanding about gender identity kept me hidden for 33 years. If I had seen positive representations of trans women back then, I would have certainly come out sooner; I’m confident of that. I spent countless nights wishing to wake up as the girl I knew I was. Had I known about treatment options available to me, I would have eagerly pursued them.
Growing up in Indiana during the 1990s, I was led to believe that trans women were just men pretending to be women, often portrayed negatively in the media as either jokes or dangerous figures. This misinformation trapped me in the closet, forcing me to endure the torment of masculine puberty, which nearly claimed my life. I attempted suicide twice and was prescribed a variety of antidepressants and mood stabilizers that offered little relief.
The changes to my body during puberty were distressing. When I hear the term “irreversible damage,” I immediately think of the effects of masculine puberty on my appearance. My voice became deep, my chest broadened, my muscles grew, and facial hair emerged like an unwelcome invader.
Now that I am living authentically, I am finally receiving the care I need to feel comfortable in my own skin. This image shows the aftermath of one of my treatments for full-facial electrolysis to permanently remove facial hair. It’s my sixth session, and each one has been more painful and costly than the last. So far, I have invested $25,000 into these procedures, and I believe it’s worth every cent.
If I had access to puberty blockers and HRT at the right age, this pain and expense could have been avoided. The features I acquired during masculine puberty, such as a pronounced browline, a masculine jaw, and a sloping forehead, mark me in public, drawing unwanted attention and ridicule that heightens my anxiety—something compounded by the trauma of living in the closet throughout my childhood. The way my face is structured puts me at risk when I attempt to express my true self in public, and I may need costly surgeries to correct these features.
I have also spent a year in vocal therapy to achieve a voice that aligns with my identity. However, I may still need surgery to modify my vocal cords for further comfort in expressing myself.
My heart aches for trans children today who are under the care of guardians who refuse to allow them access to puberty blockers and HRT at the appropriate age. I often wonder if these parents realize the long-lasting resentment their children may feel. If I discovered my parents had known about my identity and chose to suppress it instead of affirming me, I would find it impossible to forgive them.
Now, with legislation being enacted that denies affirmation to countless trans youth, we are left with a generation of young people who will know their true selves were invalidated by the system. I promise you, they will remember those who made this possible.
For more insights on related topics, check out this post on home insemination and consider exploring fertility supplements for additional support. Furthermore, March of Dimes offers excellent resources on fertility treatments and planning for a family.
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In summary, the lack of access to puberty blockers and HRT during childhood can lead to significant pain and lifelong challenges for trans individuals. Early intervention could prevent many of the struggles and costs faced later in life. Trans youth today deserve the care and affirmation that was denied to so many before them.
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