Self-Regulation Isn’t Second Nature for Me, But I’m Making an Effort

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I indulged in my favorite latte from the local coffee shop on my birthday, but as I walked in the door to greet my kids, I completely missed the counter and sent my drink crashing to the floor. The coffee spilled everywhere, and I hadn’t even taken a sip yet. Frustration and embarrassment washed over me, and I knew I could easily let those emotions take control. Instead of reacting with anger or blame, which wouldn’t have helped anyone, I chose to maintain my composure.

This ability to manage my reaction didn’t come overnight; it’s been years of learning and practicing self-regulation. My feelings were legitimate, but rather than exploding, I took a deep breath and expressed my sadness. I assured my kids I’d get another latte once the mess was cleaned up. I refused to let a spilled drink ruin my special day. My children jumped in to help, expressing their empathy, and even my former partner complimented how well I handled the situation. I felt a sense of pride in myself for that moment.

While many might respond calmly, I grew up in an environment where emotional reactions were often chaotic. My family didn’t model healthy responses to feelings; instead, they resorted to outbursts, destructive behaviors, or denial. Those responses often only escalated situations rather than helping anyone process their emotions healthily.

I’m not perfect in my efforts to regulate my moods, but I strive to improve with each challenging situation. As a weary parent of three young children, I often find my patience tested. I occasionally raise my voice or threaten consequences that don’t make sense. For example, I might jokingly say I’d throw away their tablets—an idea that would punish me too! When overwhelmed, my anxiety seeps into my interactions, and I sometimes become the person I want to avoid. Breaking this cycle is crucial for me.

Instead of snapping at my kids, I’ve started to articulate my feelings and explain how I plan to deal with them:

• “I’m feeling overwhelmed. I need to take a step back.”
• “I’m feeling anxious right now; I’m going for a brief walk to clear my head.”
• “I’m a bit sad and need to call a friend for support.”
• “I’m frustrated because the TV isn’t working. I’ll take deep breaths and keep trying, but I may need some space.”

Sometimes, I say these things through clenched teeth, but I’m committed to modeling better self-regulation than what I experienced as a child. My kids might not appreciate these boundaries at times, especially if I’m creating distance from their desires. However, their unhappiness doesn’t mean their emotional safety is at risk. I make sure to maintain that, even if it means revisiting the situation later to discuss how we could handle things differently.

When my children were toddlers, witnessing their tantrums was difficult for me. Their frustration often triggered my discomfort, but I knew it was essential for them to process their feelings in a way that felt natural and safe. I would say things like:

• “I see you’re upset. It’s okay to take a breather.”
• “I recognize your anger. It’s not okay to hit your sibling, but you can hit a pillow instead.”
• “I notice you’re really sad. Do you want some company, or would you like some time alone with your favorite toy?”

I am certainly not perfect and falter at times, but I am self-aware and intentional about teaching my children how to regulate their emotions through my actions. When I do slip up, I acknowledge my mistakes and talk about what I could have done differently. I am dedicated to equipping my children with the tools they need for emotional growth and to help them build strong relationships with those they care about.

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Summary:

Navigating self-regulation can be challenging, especially for those who didn’t grow up with healthy emotional role models. As a parent, I strive to manage my reactions and articulate my feelings to set a positive example for my kids. Acknowledging my own struggles and mistakes, I work on breaking unhealthy cycles and fostering emotional growth in my children.