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I recently had a realization: I’ve never shared my pronouns with anyone. This struck me while replying to an email from a new editor who had her pronouns included in her signature. Why haven’t I done the same? I figured it’s because I have what some might call “pronoun privilege.”
I identify with “she” and “her,” and in public, I often get called ma’am (which makes me feel old). Just the other day, my daughter’s friend addressed me as Mrs. Thompson. Society’s assumptions about gender norms lead people to naturally associate my pronouns and titles with my appearance, giving me the privilege of not having to constantly correct others when they make assumptions.
However, I must admit that I have misused others’ pronouns multiple times recently. On my first day meeting a new colleague, I cheerfully greeted them with, “Hey, lady!” only to be corrected that they preferred the pronouns they/them. I felt terrible for making such a hasty assumption, especially as I was trying to make a positive impression at my new workplace. But here’s the important takeaway: It isn’t about me.
This is the nature of privilege. It can blind us to the experiences of others, leading us to mistakenly believe that our norms are universal and that everyone shares the same experiences. However, the reality is far from equitable.
A glance at recent news reveals that transgender youth face alarming suicide rates, and the rights of the LGBTQ community are often under threat. While pronoun privilege might seem trivial in the grand scheme, inaccurately identifying someone’s pronouns is a form of microaggression. My education in anti-racism has taught me that even “micro” aggressions can have significant impacts. Words have power.
I haven’t included my pronouns in my email signature, social media profiles, or writings because I benefit from the assumption that my pronouns are obvious. I fit the societal mold of “she,” “her,” “Mrs.,” and “ma’am,” so I don’t feel the need to correct anyone. This freedom is not something everyone enjoys.
I’ve reflected on this extensively. As a former college writing instructor, I often lectured my students about the importance of using “they” and “them” for singular references. I would argue against defaulting to the plural form when referring to individuals, insisting on the need for clarity. Yet, times have evolved, and singular pronoun options now include they/them.
Admittedly, I’ve struggled to adapt my thinking, but my teaching background doesn’t excuse me from embracing new perspectives. Just because something has always been done a certain way doesn’t mean it should continue. We must remain open to learning and change, especially when it comes to the well-being of others.
If you mistakenly use the wrong pronouns, the solution is straightforward: offer a genuine apology and commit to improving in the future. It’s perfectly acceptable to ask someone, “What are your pronouns?” or “How would you like me to refer to you?” Sharing your own pronouns in the conversation can also help foster respect and solidarity.
Finding pronoun usage confusing is perfectly understandable. Remember, differences are not negative. What is unacceptable is refusing to respect someone’s preferred pronouns, misgendering them without apology, or showing disrespect simply because they don’t conform to your expectations. It costs nothing to use someone’s correct pronouns and to apologize when you make a mistake. Your willingness to correct yourself can significantly impact how someone else feels—ultimately, isn’t that what it’s all about? Respecting each other as human beings.
Consider the mental toll that repeated misgendering takes on individuals. Compounding that with the potential for harassment, policy debates, and the lack of protections simply for being who they are is a heavy burden.
We should also be cautious about making assumptions about terms like “son” or “daughter.” Many parents have encountered this issue, and while it may not equate to misusing pronouns, it’s essential to acknowledge how our assumptions can lead to challenges for children. Perhaps we even need to reconsider gender reveal parties (I know that might raise some eyebrows).
I often find myself saying “Hey, guys” to everyone, and I recognize that I have room for improvement. A significant part of this journey involves acknowledging my pronoun privilege and making my preferences clear—not for myself, but to show openness to others.
I understand I may have made errors in this article, too. The key is that we should all be in a constant state of learning. If we’re not, we might inadvertently cause harm. Most of us aspire to be decent and to improve, and that often requires us to change for the benefit of others.
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Search Queries:
- How to share pronouns
- Understanding pronoun usage
- The importance of pronouns
- Respecting gender identity
- Microaggressions and their impact
Summary: Reflecting on my experiences, I’ve recognized my pronoun privilege and the importance of using and sharing correct pronouns. Misgendering others, even inadvertently, can lead to significant harm. We all have room to learn and improve. Respect is key in acknowledging and affirming individuals’ identities.
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