Is There Emotional Attunement Between You and Your Partner?

Lifestyle

Is There Emotional Attunement Between You and Your Partner?
by Jamie Lynn
Updated: May 27, 2021
Originally Published: May 27, 2021

“It feels almost surreal, honestly. They pay such close attention, always anticipating how I’ll react to things and adjusting their responses accordingly. They’re incredibly considerate of my needs. I’ve never trusted anyone as much as I trust them.”

My therapist beamed — a genuine spark lit up her eyes. “What you’re describing is known as emotional attunement, and it’s essential for a thriving relationship.”

She had just asked about my relationship with my partner, Alex, and I couldn’t stop raving about it. It’s not that Alex and I never have disagreements or see eye to eye on everything — it’s more that they make me feel more understood and valued than I ever have before. I had no idea it was possible to feel so deeply acknowledged. Alex feels the same way about me. We share a profound emotional attunement.

What Is Emotional Attunement?

Emotional attunement is the ability to perceive a person’s emotional state and respond in a meaningful way — and it isn’t limited to romantic relationships. In the dynamic between caregivers and infants, a caregiver’s ability to recognize and respond to the baby’s emotional cues fosters a secure attachment. In friendships, being mindful of each other’s needs and actively supporting one another helps build strong bonds. Therapists also use emotional attunement to connect with and better assist their clients.

In romantic partnerships, emotional attunement enhances feelings of trust, security, and intimacy. When you and your partner are emotionally attuned, you feel closer and can provide support tailored to each other’s specific needs.

However, emotional attunement involves more than just feeling appreciated; it’s an active force in a relationship. It requires a continual awareness of each other’s energy and moods, enabling both partners to sense feelings and needs and adjust behavior accordingly. It’s not exactly a sixth sense, but it may seem like it at times — it’s about being observant, engaged, and present consistently.

The Practice of Emotional Attunement

Emotional attunement comes easier to some people than others. Alex’s emotional attunement is remarkable — they are acutely aware of everyone’s feelings, regardless of the situation, even in crowded environments. They credit this ability to having grown up in a tumultuous household where their safety often depended on interpreting the emotions of those around them, as well as navigating their identity as a queer person in a repressive environment. For Alex, staying safe meant being hyper-aware of people’s emotional signals.

For me, developing emotional attunement requires effort. I can usually sense the moods and needs of those close to me, but I struggle to read the emotions of those I’m not closely connected with. Alex has helped me improve by demonstrating their own emotional attunement. When I’m feeling down but insist that I’m fine, Alex can sense the truth and reassures me that they’re there when I’m ready to talk. They read me so well that I find it impossible to hide any feelings from them. There’s no “pretending I’m okay” around Alex. Conversely, I never have to decipher Alex’s moods; they are transparent and self-aware, making it easy to connect.

I’m working to emulate Alex’s awareness of others’ feelings while being more direct and open about my own emotions.

Enhancing Emotional Attunement

To improve emotional attunement, especially in close relationships, the first step is to understand your own wants and needs. This may seem counterintuitive, but according to an article from the Gottman Institute, being able to articulate your own feelings allows your partner to connect with you better. If your partner struggles to read your emotions, you’ll need to communicate them clearly. If you can’t identify your feelings, you may find yourself stuck.

If your partner has difficulty labeling their emotions, consider asking open-ended questions. The Gottman Institute suggests replacing yes-or-no questions with those that encourage deeper discussions. Instead of asking, “Are you okay?” you might say, “It seems like something’s bothering you. Can you share more about it?”

In romantic relationships, emotional attunement is crucial. For couples managing busy schedules, children’s needs, and everyday life, it can be challenging to connect on this level. It may feel impossible to focus on your partner’s emotional needs when chaos reigns, like a kid splashing water everywhere and a cat getting sick on the rug.

Yet, navigating life’s stresses becomes significantly easier when you have a partner who prioritizes your feelings and needs. If you believe your emotional attunement with your partner could use some refinement, plan a date night. Start by gazing into each other’s eyes and asking open-ended questions. You’ve got this.

For more insights on emotional attunement and relationships, check out this helpful blog post and explore resources on pregnancy and home insemination. Additionally, for tools related to self-insemination, visit Make a Mom for expert guidance.

Summary

Emotional attunement is crucial for creating deeper connections in relationships, enhancing trust and intimacy. Developing this skill requires self-awareness and active communication. By being more observant and responsive to each other’s needs and feelings, partners can foster a supportive environment that improves their connection. Engaging in open conversations can help both partners feel more understood and valued.

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