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A few weeks back, I decided to get a trampoline for my kids. Since its arrival, they’ve been bouncing with joy every day, laughing and asking why I hadn’t gotten one sooner—especially when they first started begging for it at the beginning of the pandemic. I explain honestly that their dad, Alex, was against the idea because he worried about the grass getting ruined. They accept this and continue to enjoy their new toy, cherishing the memory of him tending to the lawn, completely unaware of the inner turmoil I faced in making this decision. Alex passed away three years ago, and saying “yes” when he would have likely said “no” feels like a betrayal.
When Alex left this world, I lost more than just my partner; I lost my confidant and co-decision maker. I lost the person who could challenge my views or present a different angle. He was my ally in parenting, and together we shared the joys and burdens of raising our children. Now, every decision from what breakfast cereal to buy to which doctor to consult is mine alone, yet I can’t help but think of Alex with each choice. What would Alex do? What would he say?
Sometimes, the answer is clear. For instance, sending my daughter to sleepaway camp is something I know Alex would have supported, even though I have my reservations. He had always envisioned our children experiencing that adventure. Conversely, the trampoline situation is trickier. Alex could easily say “no” in a two-parent home without a pandemic to complicate things. With only me at the helm, the benefits of a trampoline—keeping the kids active and entertained—outweigh the potential damage to the lawn. The grass will grow back, but the joy it brings my kids is what matters most.
The more challenging moments arise when I genuinely don’t know what Alex would have wanted. For example, my daughter is about to enter middle school and has to decide between honors math and a standard class. I can hear Alex encouraging her to take on the challenge for character-building, yet I can also hear him advocating for her confidence by opting for the regular class. Similarly, my son wants to stop attending religious school. While it wasn’t a significant part of our lives, I’m torn between encouraging him to continue because it was important to his father or allowing him to quit if it isn’t meaningful to him.
Ultimately, I realize that making space for Alex’s memory and wishes is what counts, even when I’m guessing what he would have thought. As our children grow and I face new parenting challenges alone, I trust that what Alex would have wanted most is for us to find happiness, even if it means sacrificing the grass.
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Summary
Navigating parenting after loss involves making decisions that honor the memory and wishes of a departed partner. This emotional journey includes balancing the needs and happiness of the children while reflecting on what the late partner would have wanted. With every choice, the significance of keeping their memory alive plays a crucial role in shaping a joyful family environment.
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