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The age-old therapy question, “Tell me about your mother,” often suggests, “Explain how your mother caused your issues.” From overly protective mothers to distant ones whose mixed messages create confusion, mothers have frequently been unfairly blamed in the mental health field. A notable study by Caplan and Hall-McCorquodale in 1985 analyzed 125 psychiatric and psychological journals from 1970 to 1982, revealing that mothers were held responsible for 72 different psychological problems in their children, ranging from depression to hyperactivity and even color blindness. Interestingly, fathers were rarely blamed; they were perceived as having healthier relationships with their children, and even absent fathers were seen as less harmful than absent mothers.
Fortunately, when I was in graduate school, many of these outdated mother-blaming theories were regarded as relics of the past. The focus in psychology had shifted to a more holistic view that considers biological, psychological, and environmental factors, with parenting included as one of many influences—not solely mothers.
As I prepared for motherhood, I made mental notes to myself: “Don’t be overly protective; it can instill fear,” and “Model healthy behaviors, particularly regarding food, to prevent eating disorders.” I felt ready to raise a psychologically balanced child.
During my years as a psychologist at a large public university, I encountered a wide range of experiences related to mothers. Some students had nurturing mothers, while others dealt with well-meaning but flawed parents, and some had mothers who had committed serious transgressions. One memorable case involved a young woman with anorexia whose mother enforced daily weigh-ins starting in fifth grade. I often focused on the students’ perspectives, sometimes neglecting to consider their mothers’ challenges.
It wasn’t until a case conference where a colleague, a mother herself, remarked, “That poor mother,” that I realized I had overlooked the stress and struggles that come with parenting a child with severe mental health issues. The weight of responsibility can be staggering.
After struggling with fertility issues, I finally became a mother. The sheer magnitude of this new role was overwhelming. I sometimes found it easier to help therapy clients than to manage a crying newborn. Once, in an attempt to soothe my son, I instinctively told him, “Don’t cry.” I felt immediate guilt for not validating his emotions as I had promised myself I would.
As I navigated the complexities of motherhood, my understanding of psychological development evolved. I recognized that parenting, especially for mothers, is incredibly challenging. Studies reveal that mothers often shoulder the emotional burden of parenting, managing not only household chores but also playdates, doctor appointments, and more, even when they work full-time.
For single mothers, the challenges are even greater. In 2018, 81% of single-parent households were led by single mothers, and they are significantly more likely to live in poverty compared to single fathers. The Covid-19 pandemic intensified these pressures, with many mothers reporting adverse health effects due to stress.
Given these challenges, it’s no wonder mothers are often blamed; they are frequently more involved in their children’s lives and may be more stressed. For example, a friend of mine, raised by a hardworking single mother, attributes many of her issues to their relationship, despite her mother’s best efforts.
Most mothers are doing their best, although they may not always have the support they need. In therapy, I’ve cultivated a more nuanced understanding of clients’ parents, particularly their mothers. When clients express hurt caused by their mothers, I now ask them to “tell me more about your mother,” fostering empathy rather than blame, which can lead to greater healing.
For further information, check out this insightful blog post or explore resources from WomensHealth.gov on pregnancy and home insemination. Also, if you’re interested in home insemination kits, Make a Mom offers authoritative insights on the topic.
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